[Shinjiro listens. He does, even though he doesn't raise his head. It takes him a while to be able to settle his breathing, for his eyes to dry up, even though he doesn't reach up to wipe away the tear tracks.]
That's the world you want, right?
[An echo of an old conversation. Shinjiro doesn't look at the older man as he says it; he thinks putting them in the same category together is a bad joke at best. But for once, the self-loathing doesn't shut down his ability to listen or think, and he doesn't derail the conversation to argue about that.]
...Ain't ever had goals, really. Not like you. Aki was always the one with the hustle. He'd used to try to get me more motivated for shit, but none of it really mattered to me, y'know? School or whatever, ain't like someone like me was gonna be anything. The only real good thing I ever tried to do was fight the Shadows, and that was for Aki too.
[He couldn't let his best friend, the closest thing in the world he'd had to family back then, go out there alone.]
He tried to get me to come back after I left. For two years, he'd keep on chasin' me down, gettin' on my ass about movin' on, about not lettin' my power go to waste.
[The last time Shinjiro told Erik about Aki was under a starry sky like this, too. There's something comforting about it, almost.]
He was all I had, but I couldn't take that risk. Not even for him.
[. . .]
[He has somewhere he's going with this. He knows how he means to get there, but he can't help but hesitate. Erik might not hate him, but is it right to keep doing this to him? He could stop. He could be the one to walk away, like he had in Japan. He's managed on his own before.
Yet there's some part of him that desperately wants the man to understand--the whole ugly, meaningless story. To know who he is, even if he won't give him the censure he craves.]
I found out about these drugs that'd suppress your Persona. This one group of thugs with the same problem as me had 'em. And I knew they were bad news when I got involved with 'em, knew they had a whole business of hirin' themselves out as hitmen and shit, but I looked the other way for the suppressants.
[He'd underestimated just how dangerously insane they were, though. Setting up a Revenge Request business was one thing, but he hadn't counted on their obsession with the Dark Hour. He hadn't thought they'd be willing to kill kids to protect it.]
...Point is, I already carved out all the pieces of me there were, tryin' to take responsibility for what I did. I pushed Aki away, dropped outta school, made deals with murderers to keep people safe from me. And it all got fucked up anyway. The kid almost got killed by those nutjobs.
Now I'm here, and I don't even know who I'm sellin' the last scraps of my soul to this time. If any of this is worth shit or if I'm just gettin' suckered again.
no subject
That's the world you want, right?
[An echo of an old conversation. Shinjiro doesn't look at the older man as he says it; he thinks putting them in the same category together is a bad joke at best. But for once, the self-loathing doesn't shut down his ability to listen or think, and he doesn't derail the conversation to argue about that.]
...Ain't ever had goals, really. Not like you. Aki was always the one with the hustle. He'd used to try to get me more motivated for shit, but none of it really mattered to me, y'know? School or whatever, ain't like someone like me was gonna be anything. The only real good thing I ever tried to do was fight the Shadows, and that was for Aki too.
[He couldn't let his best friend, the closest thing in the world he'd had to family back then, go out there alone.]
He tried to get me to come back after I left. For two years, he'd keep on chasin' me down, gettin' on my ass about movin' on, about not lettin' my power go to waste.
[The last time Shinjiro told Erik about Aki was under a starry sky like this, too. There's something comforting about it, almost.]
He was all I had, but I couldn't take that risk. Not even for him.
[. . .]
[He has somewhere he's going with this. He knows how he means to get there, but he can't help but hesitate. Erik might not hate him, but is it right to keep doing this to him? He could stop. He could be the one to walk away, like he had in Japan. He's managed on his own before.
Yet there's some part of him that desperately wants the man to understand--the whole ugly, meaningless story. To know who he is, even if he won't give him the censure he craves.]
I found out about these drugs that'd suppress your Persona. This one group of thugs with the same problem as me had 'em. And I knew they were bad news when I got involved with 'em, knew they had a whole business of hirin' themselves out as hitmen and shit, but I looked the other way for the suppressants.
[He'd underestimated just how dangerously insane they were, though. Setting up a Revenge Request business was one thing, but he hadn't counted on their obsession with the Dark Hour. He hadn't thought they'd be willing to kill kids to protect it.]
...Point is, I already carved out all the pieces of me there were, tryin' to take responsibility for what I did. I pushed Aki away, dropped outta school, made deals with murderers to keep people safe from me. And it all got fucked up anyway. The kid almost got killed by those nutjobs.
Now I'm here, and I don't even know who I'm sellin' the last scraps of my soul to this time. If any of this is worth shit or if I'm just gettin' suckered again.