[ text ] un: aragaki; like 4 am

[petsthedog]

[It comes on the network like an intrusive thought -- because it is. Because Shinjiro can't sleep, even with all the talk of distracting activities like movies and pumpkin carving and costume parties. (Where do you even get costumes on a spaceship, anyway?)

Because he can't stop thinking about what Olexa said in that building, at the end. Would you die trying to get that stone back? Cheri's motivations were selfish, but then, aren't theirs too? So-Yeon's hadn't been, and while she'd surrendered the orb, what if she hadn't? What about the next mission?]

do you think the orb is worth killing people for

Comments

[petsthedog]

[Shinjiro listens. He does, even though he doesn't raise his head. It takes him a while to be able to settle his breathing, for his eyes to dry up, even though he doesn't reach up to wipe away the tear tracks.]

That's the world you want, right?

[An echo of an old conversation. Shinjiro doesn't look at the older man as he says it; he thinks putting them in the same category together is a bad joke at best. But for once, the self-loathing doesn't shut down his ability to listen or think, and he doesn't derail the conversation to argue about that.]

...Ain't ever had goals, really. Not like you. Aki was always the one with the hustle. He'd used to try to get me more motivated for shit, but none of it really mattered to me, y'know? School or whatever, ain't like someone like me was gonna be anything. The only real good thing I ever tried to do was fight the Shadows, and that was for Aki too.

[He couldn't let his best friend, the closest thing in the world he'd had to family back then, go out there alone.]

He tried to get me to come back after I left. For two years, he'd keep on chasin' me down, gettin' on my ass about movin' on, about not lettin' my power go to waste.

[The last time Shinjiro told Erik about Aki was under a starry sky like this, too. There's something comforting about it, almost.]

He was all I had, but I couldn't take that risk. Not even for him.

[. . .]

[He has somewhere he's going with this. He knows how he means to get there, but he can't help but hesitate. Erik might not hate him, but is it right to keep doing this to him? He could stop. He could be the one to walk away, like he had in Japan. He's managed on his own before.

Yet there's some part of him that desperately wants the man to understand--the whole ugly, meaningless story. To know who he is, even if he won't give him the censure he craves.]

I found out about these drugs that'd suppress your Persona. This one group of thugs with the same problem as me had 'em. And I knew they were bad news when I got involved with 'em, knew they had a whole business of hirin' themselves out as hitmen and shit, but I looked the other way for the suppressants.

[He'd underestimated just how dangerously insane they were, though. Setting up a Revenge Request business was one thing, but he hadn't counted on their obsession with the Dark Hour. He hadn't thought they'd be willing to kill kids to protect it.]

...Point is, I already carved out all the pieces of me there were, tryin' to take responsibility for what I did. I pushed Aki away, dropped outta school, made deals with murderers to keep people safe from me. And it all got fucked up anyway. The kid almost got killed by those nutjobs.

Now I'm here, and I don't even know who I'm sellin' the last scraps of my soul to this time. If any of this is worth shit or if I'm just gettin' suckered again.

[scarcastically]

[ yeah. there's a lot of ambiguity in their situation. erik's not really sure if there's any good advice to be found. for him, he wants the power viveca and the others have. he needs it. his very existence hinges on it and he doesn't want anyone else to have control over it, even if it is over.

erik runs a hand over his dreadlocks with a sigh. he's the worst person for this, but he's the only person right now. ]

So make a stand. S'okay if you're not ready to commit to it. Keep your eyes and ears open. Don't do the dirty shit.

There's plenty of us who can carry that 'nyway. Doesn't have to be you. But this is something only you can figure out in the end. Whether you walk away or dig a grave, it's your weight.

[petsthedog]

...It really matter if it's me or not? Whatever anyone does for those orbs, it's on all of us, ain't it?

[The only one that said they'd definitely stop others if they went too far was Alenko. It should be a relief, but he's torn, there. If he ought to be doing the same, or if the Orb is more important. That's what he was struggling with before he was struck with the unfairness of bothering Erik specifically about the morality of possibly orphaning more children to undo a regret of an orphaned child.

But then, it's not just about him, is it? Everyone's regrets ride on the orbs. It's so much more complicated than he thought things would be, at the beginning.]

[scarcastically]

Yeah, 'course it matters. It starts with you. How you see it from then on is a series of different choices.

But if you don't start with yourself, you're just gonna get pulled 'round in different directions.

[petsthedog]

I mean, I already know about me. I don't wanna kill anyone. Doesn't mean you or Andy or anyone else ain't gonna if you think you gotta. Or that I could even stop you. Hell, Andy's some kinda immortal.

[He watched her come back to life from being obviously dead and it was real fucked up!!!]

But I ain't got anywhere to walk away to, either.

[He's dead in Japan, and they're on a spaceship that takes them all back once each orb is secured. The only way to get out of any of this would be to die again, and that feels about as much of a coward choice as anything else.]

[scarcastically]

[ immortal huh. erik carefully files it away. he had a feeling, but it's nice to have confirmation. ]

Neither do I. Doesn't mean you can't commit. S'not really about whether you'll succeed or not. It's about the doing.

[petsthedog]

[Neither do I. Shinjiro wonders if that means what he thinks it means. He'll circle back to it, perhaps.]

Is it? End result, someone's still dead.

[He's not sure throwing himself pointlessly at someone who can easily kill him is more than an empty gesture, either.]

[scarcastically]

[ he shrugs. ]

It's gonna be like that. But at least you'll own your agency and someone else doesn't own you.

[petsthedog]

[There's a silence. Erik is right. He knows Erik's right, but something still sits in his gut, churning with discomfort.

(It's the guilt.)

He stuffs his hands in his pockets again, his usual defensive gesture, and hunches just a bit further inwards than usual.]

...Doesn't feel like enough.

[scarcastically]

[ it would be very easy to point out the obvious. there's nothing that'll be enough for shinji. nothing but a perfect ending and those don't just drop out of the sky. even with all the power this place may promise, it certainly offers no guarantees.

consequence is a power beyond all others. ]

You have to start somewhere. If you never start, then it won't simply be enough.

It'll just be nothing.

[petsthedog]

[Another silence. Yeah, that's fair. As much as he'd like to, he can't argue that.]

...Thanks.

[Another pause, and he squirms a little awkwardly.]

Uh. See you tomorrow, I guess...?

[He almost sounds a little bit shy. Shinjiro had come out here expecting Erik to cut him out of his life, and the man had very specifically not done that. He's not sure what that means for them.]

[scarcastically]

[ erik huffs, amusement trickling in. ]

Yeah, buddy. Go sleep on it for a bit.