[ text ] un: aragaki; like 4 am

[petsthedog]

[It comes on the network like an intrusive thought -- because it is. Because Shinjiro can't sleep, even with all the talk of distracting activities like movies and pumpkin carving and costume parties. (Where do you even get costumes on a spaceship, anyway?)

Because he can't stop thinking about what Olexa said in that building, at the end. Would you die trying to get that stone back? Cheri's motivations were selfish, but then, aren't theirs too? So-Yeon's hadn't been, and while she'd surrendered the orb, what if she hadn't? What about the next mission?]

do you think the orb is worth killing people for

Comments

[petsthedog]

i ain't sayin it'll change anyone's mind
you said the orb ain't worth killin for
i'm askin you if you think your regret's worth the blood that'll probably end up on your hands eventually anyway

[Asking himself is the part he's struggling with. Hence why he's awake at ass o'clock livestreaming his depression thoughts to the whole space station.]

but i think i got my answer already

["You can't predict what's going to happen", he says, but Shinjiro can only hear a "yes", in that. Yes, his regret's worth doing what he finds necessary. Yes, he'd be okay with it if someone else made that call. It doesn't lend him the clarity he'd hoped for when the man had first answered no.

Maybe nobody can.]

[spacedisaster]

Making a lot of assumptions here, mate. You don't know me, or the choices I already had to make.

[ Choices like agreeing to kill Gamora to ensure Thanos wouldn't find the Soul Stone. Choices that were for nothing, in the end. ]

My regret is worth everything. But...she wouldn't like that.

So no, I still wouldn't kill for the orb, which was your first question.

[ Killing to protect others is different. ]

[petsthedog]

what's the difference?
if someone's dead cause we were there, does it really matter if you're the one who "pulls the trigger" or not?

[spacedisaster]

[ Peter takes a moment to ponder the questions because a) It's fucking 4 am and his brain is only half functional, and, more important...B) it looks like they're getting to the root of what is really bothering this kid. ]

The difference is Responsibility vs. Accountability.

You can't be responsible for things that are beyond your control, like someone getting killed by another person, but you can feel accountable for the death regardless because it's not the outcome you wanted. Morals and having a heart plays a big part.

Accident happens. Bad decisions happen. What matters too is what you do next, if you find a way to fix it or if you atone for it.

[petsthedog]

bullshit
dead’s dead
you can’t fix that shit
unless these orbs really can undo regrets, anyway
i ain’t stupid enough to think someone would waste their orb on anyone from these missions though
so everything that happens here is for keeps

[spacedisaster]

Yes...and no. I died in my world, along with half of all sentient life in the Universe. I stayed that way for five years until a group of heroes found a way to bring us all back. [ Or...almost all. ]

Maybe the orbs are really as powerful as the Infinity Stone, it's hard to tell. But their purpose seems to be spreading chaos and that's why I'm wary of what is going on here.

That's a very cynical way of seeing things. In the mission in Braccia, my personal goal was to not help when I could do it, which might have jeopardized the mission as a whole, and I chose to ignore that. I know of others with similar fucked up goals that refuse to go through them. There's still good people out there in the galaxy.

[petsthedog]

that ain't what i mean
you only get one regret to fix
i'm guessin your infinity stone's got a similar sorta deal goin on or you wouldn't be doin this
any more pile up here, and you gotta choose

[You know that expression "one death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic"? That's the sort of experience Shinjiro is having with Peter's story right now. He can't even really conceptualize half of an entire universe being dead. He can picture a woman crushed and broken in her own home, blood leaking into the street. He can picture the woman's son, alone in the world because of him.]

anyway
there ain't any such thing as atonement or redemption or whatever
doin other good shit later don't erase the fact that someone's dead because of you

[spacedisaster]

The Stones were complicated, let's leave it at that.

[ He shouldn't have brought them up in the first place. This is what sleep deprivation does to his common sense. Not like Peter had a lot of that to spare. To be honest, it's hard for Peter to wrap up his mind around what Thanos did as well, and it's even worse when he thinks about the repercussions. Millions of planets throw into chaos, their populations disappearing without an explanation or reason. Earth, at least, knew who to blame and that the Avengers tried to help. ]

I am well aware that some things are not going magically get better just because we try to atone, that we carry some mistakes with us all our lives. But then, tell me, what's the alternative? To have a miserable existence for the rest of your days? To end your own life? I'd rather help others.

Text | Locked

At the risk of sounding too blunt...who died? I'm guessing it was an accident, something really bad must have happened for you to see things this way.

[petsthedog]

[Hey, Shinjiro can be helpful and hate himself at the same time. It's a great talent of his.]

that's still got nothin to do with redemption or atonement
you don't make up for wrecking someone's life by saving someone else's
those're separate things

[He hadn't expected the direct question. Perhaps he should've, but it just pulls up a defensive, cagey instinct. Shinjiro's heart protecting itself, slamming up those barbed wire walls just as Peter reaches in too close.]

private;

that's none of your business

[At least he ... didn't deny there was someone .... ? Ah.]

[spacedisaster]

[ That is not the sort of multitasking you should be doing, Shinjiro. ]

I know we can't always fix what's broken, but we can make sure it doesn't happen again. We can make sure others are safe. And that does matter.

Private

[ Peter is not the sort of person who beats around the bush. He's getting too old for that. That not answer is as good as a direct yes. ]

No, it's not, but it will help to talk to someone about it. I understand that deep-in-our-bones instinct that a life must pay for a life. Even if it was an accident, someone has to pay. Even if it was an accident, it's always in your mind.

There isn't one clear path to healing, but getting it out of your chest can do more good than you think.

private; cw references to death

[petsthedog]

[Shinjiro ... doesn't quite laugh, but there's something of a pained wheeze in his chest at the mention of healing, he can't help letting it out in the privacy of his own room.]

look
it's already been the end of the line for me, okay?
wasn't even supposed to still be breathin now
once we get the orbs, i'm done

[Unless the regret needs to be undone manually or something, but he generally tries to avoid thinking about that. He's not sure what he'd do with himself afterward if he succeeds and survives the process.]

private;

[spacedisaster]

Well, shit. [ This conversation is just one wild revelation after another. Peter pinches the bridge of his nose, feeling the upcoming headache already making itself known. ]

You don't know that. Maybe this is your second chance. Ever considered it?

private; cw suicidality

[petsthedog]

If it works out like they say, it'll be a second chance for somebody, sure.

[Not him, though. If he's honest, even staying alive now is kind of exhausting.]

private; cw suicidality

[spacedisaster]

Why it couldn't be both? I understand feeling guilty, we're all stuck here in this situation for that very reason. But guilt is supposed to help us grow and learn, you don't have to carry it to a point it becomes unbearable.

[ Says the guy who feels responsible for the extermination of half of all life in the universe. Just do as he says, Shinjiro, not as he does. ]

private; oops formatting

[petsthedog]

[Something seems to snap inside Shinji right at that moment. The hour is late, he's tired, he's miserable, and one's filter in that situation is stretched thin enough already without an earpiece that translates your thoughts into text. The thought slips out before he can catch and bury it.]

it ever occur to you maybe i don't want a second chance?

private; ehh, it's all good

[spacedisaster]

[ Those are some pretty heavy subjects to discuss at this time of the night, Peter's also a bit lost. ]

Yes, quite recently in fact.

[ Peter understands the reason, but he's having none of it. ]

Then, let's go for a simple question. What do you want?

[petsthedog]

[To undo his regret and then die, he thinks. That one, though, he manages to catch. He doesn't mean to be cruel to this man, who just wants to help--even if that help makes all his skin prickle with discomfort, as though it could up and depart his body to escape the sensation.]

what we were promised
same as everyone else

[spacedisaster]

[ Peter isn't trying to annoy him on purpose either or make him feel uncomfortable. He just doesn't know any better, and he doesn't know who else here could be able to help Shinjiro either. Are there are therapists in this space station? ]

You know what I mean, don't dodge the question. Is too late to talk in circles, man.

[petsthedog]

tch
you don't actually wanna hear the real answer
so just let it go
don't worry about me alright

[Shinji,,, you just directly confessed to being suicidal to this guy,,,]

[spacedisaster]

Give it a try and don't worry about me being scandalized.

[ Pretty much. And anyway, Peter has experienced worse. His life is never normal. ]

[petsthedog]

[The pause is long enough for Peter to assume that Shinjiro's stopped replying, maybe finally gone The Fuck to sleep.

Perhaps unfortunately for them both, he has not.]

fine
i want to be done
to stop already
i'm tired


happy now?

[spacedisaster]

[ Peter feared that this would be the answer. It takes Peter a couple of minutes before he can come up with an answer. This is getting out of hand. ]

Ey, why don't you meet me in the simulation room? It's clear that none of us is going back to sleep, and I prefer in-person conversations.

[petsthedog]

[Another significant pause.]

if you're worried i'm gonna hurt myself or shit like that you can save it
i still got some unfinished business, alright?
i'll be fine

[spacedisaster]

[ Why yes, of course he is worried. It would be stupid not to, it would be wrong to just ignore what Shinjiro's just said. But telling him that is probably a sure way to have the boy hang up on him. ]

Fine is a relative term.

But I just wanted to show you something.

[petsthedog]

[He debates how likely he is to get preached at if he agrees, for a minute. Then:]

whatever
i'll be there in ten