text; un: romanoff | while we're waiting

[deaddrop]

So it seems like things are getting a little late and I haven't accomplished my personal task yet. Unfortunately it's the sort I'll need a volunteer to help me out with, and I'm not entirely sure who still has time.

I'm supposed to let someone else make my decisions for me for twenty-four (24) hours.

Honestly I don't expect this to be a roaring success but might as well give it a try. If anyone thinks they can manage to spend a day with me in the face of almost certain failure, I would be moderately grateful.

Comments

[blackfire]

I did not take it as such.

（ look he's difficult to offend even when he doesn't know the person, much less when he does. it isn't as if his knowledge of natasha is boundlessly deep — but they have thus far run along lines so similarly positioned as to make extrapolations.

natasha is a kind-hearted person. but she is self-protective, too — unless the act of baring her scars will bring benefit to another. ）

You are correct in saying it is easier.

[deaddrop]

[She might not describe herself the same way, but Natasha's position on herself isn't always flattering.

Not unrelated to her being guarded around some people.]

But not necessarily smarter.

[blackfire]

（ he gives her a long look. there is an element of consideration there, but it is otherwise as devoid of expression as one might expect of a trained spy. and then, very gently: ）

How long was it you were alone, Natasha?

[deaddrop]

[She doesn't sense judgment in Itachi's study. The question is... interesting.

That's not easy to answer though.]

I don't know that I was ever really alone.

[There were always people. Always jobs. Always organizations. Missions.]

Maybe that's the problem.

[blackfire]

（ he purses his lips very faintly, and then shakes his head. he does not believe she is being deliberately obtuse — merely literal. and so after another sip of his tea, he clarifies: ）

That isn't the sort of alone I mean.

（ the discussion they had, after that disastrous and very public blow-out about heroes had given him some perspective. other things, sifted through like sand, have begun to form a picture of what may have shaped her life. there are many things he does not know about her, but he knows that making friends is not easily done when one lives and breathes spycraft. her first deep cover mission, she had said, happened when she was only eight years old.

(only a year older than sasuke, when he —) ）

[deaddrop]

I know.

[Softly, because she does. And she does have friends, but the process of opening up to other people was slow, and highly selective.

She wonders sometimes why Clint stuck it out.

But it is true—there's always been people around her, and those people had been the sort she couldn't let her guard down around, not entirely.]

I suppose I'm just not sure how to answer.

[Too long.]

I was twenty three or twenty four when I got out of the Red Room. That made not being alone possible.

[blackfire]

（ he nods, accepting that answer. one arm is folded across his chest as he supports the opposing elbow, and takes another sip of his drink. he is aware of the effect time has on the mind — how when you are young, a single day can seem to stretch on into forever. it is a thing that is bright and rife with possibilities and promise. as you age, time compresses. shortens. windows of opportunity seem to shrink, even though it is you that changes — not the time itself.

a childhood spent alone is a lifetime.

his gaze cuts away, focusing on some of the more ostentatious decoration on the walls. ）

Did you find it difficult to adjust afterwards?

（ asking for a friend. ）

[deaddrop]

[For a friend. Absolutely.]

A little.

[More than a little, but a little is all she'll ever admit to.]

Less than I think Yelena had to deal with.

[Which she doesn't mean as a slight to Yelena—it's not that Natasha is stronger or more adaptable or better at joining the real world. It's that Yelena was even more poorly prepared. Natasha hadn't felt like she had choices, but she'd still managed to scrape a kind of agency together in the margins, she had a degree of independence. Yelena really hadn't had choices.]

I think I fell into a job that wasn't that much different from my life before, in a lot of ways.

[blackfire]

When needs drive, I suppose.

（ he still holds to that dream of a peaceful world. but neither his life nor death will have been the thing to carve it out. the only thing he contributed to konoha was his own subservience, and the pain he inflicted — not only on sasuke.

why didn't you come to me? he recalls kakashi asking him, and his fingers tighten faintly on his cup. ）

Forgive me if this is too personal a question, Natasha. You needn't answer if that is the case. （ he cannot help but be aware, of course, that this conversation is a dance. that it reveals as much of him in the asking as her in the telling. generally, he is guarded and closed-off against such things as a matter of course — but he finds he minds less with her than with most that the mirror cuts both ways. ） If you could pursue another avenue of existence, utilizing none of your former skills, what would it be?

[deaddrop]

[They are telling questions. A fact Natasha tries not to draw attention to, to respect Itachi's speed and the manner in which he reveals himself. The fact she doesn't comment on it shouldn't be mistaken for obliviousness, or a lack of consideration.

As far as consideration goes, she puts thought into her answer before she responds. Not saying anything is certainly on the table, but also if there's something she could say that helps...

In the end, she shrugs.]

I don't know. I suppose it always seemed like I have these skills. I won't say it's for a reason. That's not really...

[She trails off, unsure how to express the feeling entirely. She's never believed in a bigger picture or plan. There's no fate in Natasha's world. It's not destiny that guided her life, just being in the wrong place at the right time.]

The only thing that ever really made sense was to find some way to use the to do something not-awful.

[But to try to answer sincerely.]

Maybe I would have been a dancer.

[blackfire]

（ he hums softly. perhaps another world, another time or place. he doubts her regret has involved changing the significant trajectory of her life, just as his will not. they will still be children, still be weapons.

but in another time, another place... just maybe. ）

You would excel at it, I think.

[deaddrop]

It was a cover story that I enjoyed.

[Just enough to pretend for a little while.]

What about you? What do you want to be when you grow up?

[She says it ironically, worded like a joke so he can ignore the question if he wants.

But also giving him the chance to reciprocate, if he wants.]

[blackfire]

（ his mouth quirks up at one corner, though ultimately the motion is humourless. ）

Well, since we are speaking in hypotheticals.

（ it's wry. with anyone else, he would have taken the out smoothly, cleanly, like the slip of a sharp blade across a throat. but natasha, instead, he considers in the low light of the room. then, rather than lean into the kindness, he says simply: ）

I would have liked to own a tea shop.

（ in a way, the cover he chose for himself here is perhaps the closest thing to his own true desires that he could have selected — though only wei wuxian likely knows the truth of it until now that he has invited natasha into the fold. ）

Somewhere quiet, perhaps. Peaceful.

[deaddrop]

[She's almost surprised. Not by the answer, but by the fact he gave it. As for the content, she lets herself picture it. It's hard to picture Itachi serving tea, but it's significantly less difficult to imagine him curating his selections carefully, or as the boss to a small staff.

She hums and nods slightly.]

Very hypothetical.

[Either one, really. She couldn't even call them dreams. They were nothing more than nice ideas. But they were nice.]

Somewhere quiet suits you.

[blackfire]

Mm.

（ he sighs, shakes his head somewhat and then rises from his seat. the now-empty cup is brought to the tiny kitchenette, and he turns to her and says: ）

Now, I believe there was some threat of going skating or skiing. We ought to decide which.

[deaddrop]

[Natasha hums. They do have a few options, don't they.]

My vote is for skating.

/end here?

[blackfire]

Then, let us make the attempt.

（ predictably, he will be obnoxiously good at it right off the hop because that's just how he do at everything — sharingan or no, a lifetime of being wildly physically capable does pay off.

but for now, they get a pleasant afternoon in each other's company. ）