Video | welcome, hallo, buenos días, ohayō, etc, etc! | UN: Newt

[groupiedrifter]

[Newt comes shuffling into view on the screen, holding a cup of coffee in his hand with a bag of what seems to be Sour Patch Kids harrowingly hanging out from beneath the pinky finger of the very same hand. Disheveled but more than happy to provide his services after dragging himself out of bed, he taps his knuckle on the chalkboard beside him — one that used to be Hermann Gottlieb's, may he rest in peace (in a not dead way — may he rest in peace on a beach or something while wholly alive and thriving).]

Noticed an influx of new and kinda-new faces over the last few days or weeks or whatever.

So here's my handy dandy welcome board! Recently updated, to keep with the times.

Read it over and get a feel for how this place goes; I'm gonna finish off this coffee before I take any questions.

[As he takes the world's most obnoxious-sounding sip and burns his tongue, here's the board in question:]



[And then, after a bit of time, he turns the board over to the other side:]



[No worries, current crew, if you can't get one of those introduction papers in person!

Because he's attached them in file format, too.]



[And in case you wanted a text format copy:

Name:
Age:
Birthday:
Favorite color:
Favorite food:
Favorite subject:
Favorite toy:
Favorite animal:
Favorite candy:
Favorite activity:
Favorite place:
Favorite book:
Favorite TV show:
Favorite movie:
I am good at:
I want to learn:
Least favorite subject:
Place I want to go:
If I could make one wish, it would be:
If I could have one superpower, it would be:
This is what I want my teacher to know about me:

(Have at it — threadjacking is encouraged).]

Comments

[drawsblood]

Is that what scientists do? I'm unfamiliar.

[eyeronically]

did you fight them?

[eyeronically]

does it get really bad?

[eyeronically]

literally not the weirdest thing about anything that's happening.

but, i'm from earth, year 2044.

[eyeronically]

yeah, sure. why not? probably better than trying to explain.

[groza]

Two years?

[ She momentarily bug-eyes at her computer. But she supposes that conscription is a small ask for undoing a regret. ]

Great.
Is that 'a lot' ominous or some other feeling?

[groza]

Yes, that place.
Tricking your mind into believing that something is real when it's not.
I suppose that will have to do in the absence of the real thing.

[ Old timey fantasy Russian doesn't understand technology and yells at simulated cloud. ]

[tochnyy]

yeah

wouldn't want it to turn out like the last one [ wait. ] we worked that out though

[ hopefully that's some comfort??? ]

[oiorpata]

[ wait. ]

Do you know what science is?

[oiorpata]

I rode one. And some people made armor from the lava-resistant shells.

[oiorpata]

Oh, believe me, it's nowhere near as good as the real fucking thing, and it takes a lot of getting used to. You sort of have to train yourself to give in to the pretend.

But in the end it's still better than feeling stuck on a space ship without a real sky.

[drawsblood]

Yes. It's that thing people say something is when I call it magic.

[godslain]

And what was it you learned?

（ maybe her blood has run a little cold at the idea of giant monster race trying to kill us. ）

[groupiedrifter]

I freaking WISH.
I had one on my desk back in MIT, but it was hardly prehistoric.

[groupiedrifter]

... You and your pal seem to have very specific, differing reactions to your friend.

[NEWTON CAN RELATE, HONESTLY.]

video;

[groupiedrifter]

Oh? Is this the other side of a coin?

Give me the juicy gossip about Sholmes.

[groupiedrifter]

... I guess that is a point to think about.

People knowing the existence of the orbs. Seems to backfire plenty.

[groupiedrifter]

[He smiles weakly, leaning into his palm where he settles at his desk and considers the question.]

About the giant monster race?
Hmmmmm. I learned...
That sometimes, there's real, irredeemable evil out there who want you dead.
And that sometimes they create and weaponize giant monsters who deserved better.
And that the whole universe can be really unfair sometimes.

Also, they have two brains and acidic fluids in their bodies you gotta detoxify so you don't get cancer.

So, y'know. I learned in lots of ways.

1/2

[groupiedrifter]

[softshoes]

I did say he was eccentric.

[He literally can't even say Ryunosuke is wrong.]

i promise i'll never type this again

[groupiedrifter]

I fuck heavy with carbs.

[groupiedrifter]

You guys have been forcing me to ignore biological logic and concrete scientific laws for two years straight because of your weird magical hub-bub, and NOW you're gonna pull the 'science' card on me???

[groupiedrifter]

We're talking tik-tok famous laundry detergent, actually.

They look delicious, though. Some people ate them as a challenge years back.

But unless you want esophageal mucosal burns and ulcers, I wouldn't recommend it.

... Unless you're immortal. If I were immortal, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

[groupiedrifter]

YES.

It is very often, in the most academic way I can describe, a shitshow.
And our job is to deal with that shitshow before it gets even shittier of a show.
The orbs force the crew to do a lot of demeaning personal goals in order to get as much of their power as possible.
And they make situations worse for most of the people or planets we get them from.

But as much as it sucks to deal with, it's worth it to help the planets we visit and get our own goals on the right track for back home.

[groupiedrifter]

[Don't worry, it's not too big a place — in fact, it takes very little time to notice the... uh... hectic music playing in the distance. He wasn't lyin' about the vibes, okay? But the moment Newt notices the very obvious fiery clock-person, he turns the music down considerably before hopping to his feet and rushing over.]

What's up? Dante, right?

[Wait, how tall are they?

Because Newt is 5'5" and he can't bear another tall person on this station.]

Oh, you look so fucking cool, dude. What a badass aesthetic. Love the suit bringing it all together.