Video | welcome, hallo, buenos días, ohayō, etc, etc! | UN: Newt

[groupiedrifter]

[Newt comes shuffling into view on the screen, holding a cup of coffee in his hand with a bag of what seems to be Sour Patch Kids harrowingly hanging out from beneath the pinky finger of the very same hand. Disheveled but more than happy to provide his services after dragging himself out of bed, he taps his knuckle on the chalkboard beside him — one that used to be Hermann Gottlieb's, may he rest in peace (in a not dead way — may he rest in peace on a beach or something while wholly alive and thriving).]

Noticed an influx of new and kinda-new faces over the last few days or weeks or whatever.

So here's my handy dandy welcome board! Recently updated, to keep with the times.

Read it over and get a feel for how this place goes; I'm gonna finish off this coffee before I take any questions.

[As he takes the world's most obnoxious-sounding sip and burns his tongue, here's the board in question:]



[And then, after a bit of time, he turns the board over to the other side:]



[No worries, current crew, if you can't get one of those introduction papers in person!

Because he's attached them in file format, too.]



[And in case you wanted a text format copy:

Name:
Age:
Birthday:
Favorite color:
Favorite food:
Favorite subject:
Favorite toy:
Favorite animal:
Favorite candy:
Favorite activity:
Favorite place:
Favorite book:
Favorite TV show:
Favorite movie:
I am good at:
I want to learn:
Least favorite subject:
Place I want to go:
If I could make one wish, it would be:
If I could have one superpower, it would be:
This is what I want my teacher to know about me:

(Have at it — threadjacking is encouraged).]

Comments

[groupiedrifter]

Because people love trolling me when they get the chance.
It's some people's favorite hobbies around here. Just ask Jake.
So. You're friends with someone named Herlock Shlomes.
Is there a Wohn Jatson, too, or what?

video;

[softshoes]

[Okay, trolling from Jake, he believes, so he turns on the video just to show Newt his very serious not at all trolling expression.]

Very funny, Newt. The character's name was John Wilson, actually: you were close.

[What is this reverse name universe everyone is from???]

Please don't tell me you'll need evidence before you believe me.

video;

[groupiedrifter]

[He rubs a hand down his face.]

Wow, the universe is so unoriginal.

[But. Okay.]

Okay, so like — What's he like? Herlock?

... Herlock...

[softshoes]

[He's gonna ignore that one as a show of good will, Newt.]

Sholmes is much like the stories would have you believe, but a little more... eccentric, I'd say? The author has taken some great liberties, but I'll excuse it: she really can weave an excellent story with us.

[yujin what are you saying--]

But, of course, I'm a bit biased if you're asking me about Sholmes. He is my oldest, greatest friend, after all.

[groupiedrifter]

... You and your pal seem to have very specific, differing reactions to your friend.

[NEWTON CAN RELATE, HONESTLY.]

[softshoes]

I did say he was eccentric.

[He literally can't even say Ryunosuke is wrong.]

[groupiedrifter]

Like yours truly?

Would we be the bestest buddies in the whole wide world?

Or would we want to throttle each other?

[OR BOTH?]

[softshoes]

[HE'S IMAGINING IT AND HE'S SCARED.]

I...

I think, if he ever makes his way here, we'll just have to find out.

[groupiedrifter]

I'll take that as a yes to both. He sounds fun!

Like, unhinged fun. That's my kinda jam.

[softshoes]

[Uneasy laughter...]

As long as it isn't the kind of fun that would land the both of you in the infirmary. I lived through years of Sholmes' chemistry experiments. It's a wonder our landlady never had the both of us evicted.

[She probably just kept raising their rent for exploding shit in the house but that's neither here nor there.]

video;

[locumstudentesquire]

[OK he can't help himself, he's got to cut in.]

Absolutely barking.

[Said with the sort of knowing exasperation that can only come from someone who also considers the man a friend.]

video;

[groupiedrifter]

Oh? Is this the other side of a coin?

Give me the juicy gossip about Sholmes.

[locumstudentesquire]

[He's not so sure about gossip, but...]

Don't get me wrong, the man IS brilliant... Frighteningly so. But he's also an absolute lunatic. He eats soap, he cheats at poker... There was one evening where I made the mistake of walking by him while he was in a fit of despair over one of the strings on his violin snapping, and he yanked a button off of my jacket and threw it across the room.

[softshoes]

Has he tried to shoot letters into the wall with a pistol lately?

[roast my boyfriend 1899]

[locumstudentesquire]

[Ah yes.]

No, fortunately. I think having Iris about may have cured him of that particular predilection... Either that, or the landlady might have threatened him...

[softshoes]

Or... they both threatened him.

[locumstudentesquire]

...That feels very likely, actually.

By the way... Is it really true that Susato-san actually tried to do the same thing at one point? Only with a long bow instead of a pistol?

[It's less that he doesn't believe Susato, and more that he wants to hear Yujin's take on it.]

[softshoes]

[Cue the kind of long-suffering sigh you can only get out of a father who has seen everything.]

Yes. She didn't finish firing her name into the wall. At a certain point, it became more of an experiment to see how long she'd persist... and how good her aim was.

[SHARPSHOOTER LEVEL, APPARENTLY.]

[locumstudentesquire]

[He recognizes that kind of sigh, having heard it from his own father often enough. And, he can't help it, it does bring a smile to his face.]

...It's a testament to the power of the written word, isn't it? That Mr. Sholmes could be a terrible influence, even from the other side of the world.

[Goodness, he misses Susato.]

[groupiedrifter]

Hey, I can relate to being frighteningly brilliant.

You didn't say if there was a valid reason to eat the soap. I'm sure there's a few situations where it would totally make sense.

[IS THERE...]

[locumstudentesquire]

...If I remember his reasoning correctly, it was because he wanted to cleanse his insides, or something to that effect.

[So. You decide if that sounds valid or not.]

[groupiedrifter]

... Ooooh, yeah. The lye in soap would definitely cause a lot of discomfort.

Let him know to focus more on natural laxatives like herbal teas, aloe vera, and fermented foods. I'd offer colon irrigation, but I'm not THAT kind of doctor.

[locumstudentesquire]

[...What the fuck.]

I'm... Not sure if that's the sort of cleansing he was referring to, [or maybe he's just convinced himself that's the case so he doesn't have to think about Sholmes' Bathroom Woes] but. If I see him again I'll be sure to let him know.

[Stated with the sort of wry cadence that implies that he'd actually rather not bring it up, if he DOES happen to cross paths with the Great Detective again any time soon.]