audio | un: WHEATLEY

[testgasm]

[Hello friends it’s WHEATLEY TIME. Do you know what that is? No? You are about to find out. If you haven’t met Wheatley, perhaps this cheerful British voice is new to you. If you have, well. Hello. It’s the metal soccer ball guy.]

GREETINGS, hi, this is a—this is Wheatley, actually. If we’ve met. If we haven’t met, I’m the—the robot guy. Thought I’d pop on the network, say hello, introduce myself, see how everyone’s doing, after—after all that.

The mission, right? That was, uh, well, that was something. An eye-opener, if you will. Sort of got me thinking, you know, about—about being a little more prepared. For the next one. [Cough.] Not any of you, obviously, you were all brilliant. I was thinking more about…increasing my own…ability. In that department.

[Tell us you’re useless without telling us you’re useless, Wheatley.]

Fun fact! The hovering is new, for me. Wasn’t able to do that, back home, and it’s been enlightening, to say the least. Moving about without a management rail! Can you imagine? Got me thinking—I know, generally speaking, that you humans are a bit squishy. Easily damaged, prone to leaking all your blood out through a couple of bullet holes. But! You do have thumbs, which I’m starting to think might be advantageous, for someone like me. Given the situations we’re bound to find ourselves in, on these missions.

I was able to fight a monster with just my, uh. Person. That is, my body, but it did involve a lot of bashing myself into it, which, while successful, is not something I’d care to make a habit of. Putting that out there. I am breakable, and it seems much more, ah, straightforward…to just throw a punch the next time I need to defend myself. Or. Hold and shoot a gun. Maybe a bladed implement, or a thermal discouragement beam. I’m not picky.

So that’s where I’m going with all this. Limbs. Thinking at least two arms and two legs, but, again, not picky. Thumbs, as discussed, preferably opposable. Surely there are a few mechanically-minded individuals here who might like a medium-term project. I don’t have much to offer, um, insofar as payment is concerned, but I’m sure we can work something out.

Besides, it should be easy! I’m designed to interface with—with all kinds of things, so we can throw it together from scrap metal and plug me into it, for all I care.

[That’s it! Thanks everybody no wait there’s more]

Also, if none of that made any sense to you at all, I’m happy to stick around. And. Answer questions. About robots, because that's what I am. Just in case you were wondering.

Comments

[testgasm]

Uh, I'm a non-combat unit, obviously. That's what--that's what this entire post is about.

[longoverdue]

Even non-combat robots have wheels or legs or some shit like that. And you sound way smarter than robots in my world were.

Didn't your creator or designer or whatever—didn't anyone think, hey, maybe we should give our robot some fucking limbs? If they were smart enough for AI, I can't believe they're not smart enough to give their robot something to defend himself with.

[testgasm]

I had a rail, back home, so I moved around just fine without wheels or legs. I guess the idea was that I'd never--well, there was no reason for me to ever be outside of the facility, and everything I needed to do in the facility did not. Require limbs. Or guns.

[longoverdue]

...and they brought you here knowing all that? Shit, you really got the ass end of the stick here.

[He's pretty sympathetic at least, despite the bluntness of his words.]

Okay, uh—you get help already? Because I know there's Newt and his friend, whatsisname, Hermann. They're smart, they can probably bash something together for you. I don't know shit about engineering.

[testgasm]

Yes! Newton is--he's involved. Haven't met his friend, but I figured the more the merrier. A nice group project, you know? And it doesn't have to be anything fancy, I just like the idea of having thumbs, I think.