audio | un: WHEATLEY

[testgasm]

[Hello friends it’s WHEATLEY TIME. Do you know what that is? No? You are about to find out. If you haven’t met Wheatley, perhaps this cheerful British voice is new to you. If you have, well. Hello. It’s the metal soccer ball guy.]

GREETINGS, hi, this is a—this is Wheatley, actually. If we’ve met. If we haven’t met, I’m the—the robot guy. Thought I’d pop on the network, say hello, introduce myself, see how everyone’s doing, after—after all that.

The mission, right? That was, uh, well, that was something. An eye-opener, if you will. Sort of got me thinking, you know, about—about being a little more prepared. For the next one. [Cough.] Not any of you, obviously, you were all brilliant. I was thinking more about…increasing my own…ability. In that department.

[Tell us you’re useless without telling us you’re useless, Wheatley.]

Fun fact! The hovering is new, for me. Wasn’t able to do that, back home, and it’s been enlightening, to say the least. Moving about without a management rail! Can you imagine? Got me thinking—I know, generally speaking, that you humans are a bit squishy. Easily damaged, prone to leaking all your blood out through a couple of bullet holes. But! You do have thumbs, which I’m starting to think might be advantageous, for someone like me. Given the situations we’re bound to find ourselves in, on these missions.

I was able to fight a monster with just my, uh. Person. That is, my body, but it did involve a lot of bashing myself into it, which, while successful, is not something I’d care to make a habit of. Putting that out there. I am breakable, and it seems much more, ah, straightforward…to just throw a punch the next time I need to defend myself. Or. Hold and shoot a gun. Maybe a bladed implement, or a thermal discouragement beam. I’m not picky.

So that’s where I’m going with all this. Limbs. Thinking at least two arms and two legs, but, again, not picky. Thumbs, as discussed, preferably opposable. Surely there are a few mechanically-minded individuals here who might like a medium-term project. I don’t have much to offer, um, insofar as payment is concerned, but I’m sure we can work something out.

Besides, it should be easy! I’m designed to interface with—with all kinds of things, so we can throw it together from scrap metal and plug me into it, for all I care.

[That’s it! Thanks everybody no wait there’s more]

Also, if none of that made any sense to you at all, I’m happy to stick around. And. Answer questions. About robots, because that's what I am. Just in case you were wondering.

Comments

audio; un: trashmouth

[longoverdue]

Wait, hold on—you don't have limbs?

[The fuck.]

Don't robots like you have specialized robot arms? Laser eyes? Something?

[testgasm]

I...do not! I mean, it's not like I needed them, back home. Got on just fine. But I also wasn't, uh. Fighting monsters. Or investigating ghosts. Or doing anything we just did.

So you can see where I'm having a change of heart, figuratively speaking.

[longoverdue]

What kinda robot are you that you don't even have fuckin' laser eyes?

[testgasm]

Uh, I'm a non-combat unit, obviously. That's what--that's what this entire post is about.

[longoverdue]

Even non-combat robots have wheels or legs or some shit like that. And you sound way smarter than robots in my world were.

Didn't your creator or designer or whatever—didn't anyone think, hey, maybe we should give our robot some fucking limbs? If they were smart enough for AI, I can't believe they're not smart enough to give their robot something to defend himself with.

( video | un: jaguar )

[scarcastically]

[ ah, right. this guy. ]

I said I'd weld you a gun, right? You should hop over to the lab. I'll get you set up.

[testgasm]

[this guy!!!]

You did, yes! Do you--do you just have a spare gun, lying around?

[scarcastically]

No, but with a few molds in the lab, we can probably hook you up.

[testgasm]

Oh! Well, that's--I didn't expect it to be that easy. What's the catch?

[Because, of course, there must be one.]

[scarcastically]

Don't use it on me would be one.

[ he shrugs. ]

But even robots should get to defend themselves.

un: song | voice

[spoilers]

Oh, I'd love to get a look at you.

[ He'll have to excuse her if she sounds a little too enthusiastic. She does have the decency not to poke around his systems too much without permission. ]

I'm not sure if I can help with your...problem, but I'm certainly willing to experiment.

[testgasm]

I mean, sure, as long as it's--it's just a look. We'll have to discuss things if you want to start poking around. Or. Experimenting, as you put it.

[spoilers]

Excuse me, dear, but you are the one who suggested we try plugging you into a heap of scrap metal. If that isn't what you call experimenting, I'd like to know what is.

[testgasm]

I said the body could be made out of scrap metal, this wasn't--it's not a free-for-all!

What are your credentials?

[spoilers]

My credentials? I wouldn't want to bore you.

But I know my way around a toolbox, and I happen to be very good with computers.

audio; un: laozu

[flauntist]

Okay, I'm going to need you to explain to me in great detail what being a "robot"--

[ he's learned air quotes! air quotes are great ]

means.

[testgasm]

In great detail?

[you are doomed]

Well, um. I'm not human, for one. I'm sort of--I'm made out of metal, and some other things. I was built by humans, and they gave me, uh. A set of protocols. For talking, and moving, and generally being my own not-human person.

Is any of this making sense to you?

[flauntist]

Not in the least. But I'm very smart, I promise.

So they built you and gave you rules to follow, that part makes sense. But that doesn't explain all of it, does it? You're not a spirit trapped in a box, I mean.

[ yes let's get all existential. is he being unintentionally rude about it? maybe ]

Are you a result of the rules they gave? Did they tell you how to be you? Who's telling you that now?

[testgasm]

Okay, that's good, you're, uh. Asking the right questions, I suppose. I'm not trapped anywhere, this is my body, like you've got yours.

[this is, possibly, rude! but Wheatley is going to try and be nice about it.]

Well the rules are--they're just to start me off, you know? It's not like it's something I think about.

[flauntist]

Ahhh yes of course, I can see how a metal body would have advantages. Forgive my confusion. We have spirits, back...home. Ghosts who've left their bodies, who wander. Sometimes [ once ] they can be put back into their bodies.

But that's not what you are. Please forgive this fool, I have a lot of catching up to do.

[ if only he'd been born a couple thousand years later ]

video; un: newt

[groupiedrifter]

Oh, yeah! Hey, that's a good idea, honestly.

I've been talking to Viv about getting her some robo arms so she can exist outside of just the walls of the ship. Maybe I can help out with yours, too!

[testgasm]

Great! Love a good group project. I'm sure she'll appreciate having a body. Or. Part of one. I'm interested in the whole package, myself, though I do understand that it will take some time.

[groupiedrifter]

Well, back in my world, we've at least got giant humanoid robots that people can pilot. I don't see why we can't get something a little more person-sized for you. Imagine, we can get you guys the proper hands for doing things like... I don't know. Whatever you'd be into. Knitting? Cooking? Playing with LEGOs? The possibilities are endless.

[testgasm]

The good news is that I'm already designed to--to plug into things. Interface, you know? So I imagine the easiest thing to do would be to design some kind of...operable chassis. That I could just pop right into.

Does that make sense? Am I--am I making sense, here?

[groupiedrifter]

Oh, that makes total sense.

...

So, are you looking to get big biceps and nice abs for your robo-body, or what?