audio | un: WHEATLEY

[testgasm]

[Hello friends it’s WHEATLEY TIME. Do you know what that is? No? You are about to find out. If you haven’t met Wheatley, perhaps this cheerful British voice is new to you. If you have, well. Hello. It’s the metal soccer ball guy.]

GREETINGS, hi, this is a—this is Wheatley, actually. If we’ve met. If we haven’t met, I’m the—the robot guy. Thought I’d pop on the network, say hello, introduce myself, see how everyone’s doing, after—after all that.

The mission, right? That was, uh, well, that was something. An eye-opener, if you will. Sort of got me thinking, you know, about—about being a little more prepared. For the next one. [Cough.] Not any of you, obviously, you were all brilliant. I was thinking more about…increasing my own…ability. In that department.

[Tell us you’re useless without telling us you’re useless, Wheatley.]

Fun fact! The hovering is new, for me. Wasn’t able to do that, back home, and it’s been enlightening, to say the least. Moving about without a management rail! Can you imagine? Got me thinking—I know, generally speaking, that you humans are a bit squishy. Easily damaged, prone to leaking all your blood out through a couple of bullet holes. But! You do have thumbs, which I’m starting to think might be advantageous, for someone like me. Given the situations we’re bound to find ourselves in, on these missions.

I was able to fight a monster with just my, uh. Person. That is, my body, but it did involve a lot of bashing myself into it, which, while successful, is not something I’d care to make a habit of. Putting that out there. I am breakable, and it seems much more, ah, straightforward…to just throw a punch the next time I need to defend myself. Or. Hold and shoot a gun. Maybe a bladed implement, or a thermal discouragement beam. I’m not picky.

So that’s where I’m going with all this. Limbs. Thinking at least two arms and two legs, but, again, not picky. Thumbs, as discussed, preferably opposable. Surely there are a few mechanically-minded individuals here who might like a medium-term project. I don’t have much to offer, um, insofar as payment is concerned, but I’m sure we can work something out.

Besides, it should be easy! I’m designed to interface with—with all kinds of things, so we can throw it together from scrap metal and plug me into it, for all I care.

[That’s it! Thanks everybody no wait there’s more]

Also, if none of that made any sense to you at all, I’m happy to stick around. And. Answer questions. About robots, because that's what I am. Just in case you were wondering.

Comments

[groupiedrifter]

Oh, that makes total sense.

...

So, are you looking to get big biceps and nice abs for your robo-body, or what?

[testgasm]

No, I don't think it needs to be, uh. That elaborate. Besides, I think I have a different idea of what's, uh. Aesthetically pleasing than you humans do.

[groupiedrifter]

What, are you saying robots aren't super into abs?

[He grins.]

What's attractive to you, then?

[testgasm]

I mean, some of them might be. Maybe the more human-shaped ones. I haven't--I haven't exactly asked. Not really something that crosses my mind.

I think, given the situation, I'm a bit more interested in function.

[groupiedrifter]

Function is pretty sexy, I guess.

Which I guess rules out the possibility of slapping some nicely coifed hair on your schematics.

[testgasm]

Oh, no, I don't think that's necessary. Arms and legs are one thing, actually looking like a human is something--something else entirely. Can you imagine? Ridiculous.

[groupiedrifter]

That's a bit speciest of you, isn't it? Humans aren't the end-all be-all of hair!

[testgasm]

I don't see how that's the case, considering other options are probably--well, that's even more ridiculous. I'm starting to get the feeling that you're not taking this seriously.

[groupiedrifter]

I think you underestimate how I can be both not serious and completely serious all in one moment.

Don't worry, dude, I'd only ever help make something you'd actually like. Scout's honor.

[testgasm]

Yes, I understand you're all...very paradoxical, like that, but this is serious, as you know.

Sort of wish I could draw, to be honest.

[groupiedrifter]

Aw, Wheats, that's cute.

What do you wanna draw?

1/2

[testgasm]

Oh! What I might want the body to look like, of course.

Actually, hang on. I think I've got an idea.

[testgasm]

[bing! a .txt file. for you.]



There! Ta-daah. See? It's got--it's got my current body up top, like the head, and then there are arms and legs and fingers. And thumbs. There are thumbs in there, I'm proud of those. Do--do note the thumbs.

[groupiedrifter]

... Heeeeey now, Picasso! That looks bitchin'!

Look at the waistline on that bad boy!

[ugh, he's wolf-whistling, what a menace]

The thumbs are a plus, too. Are the springy-looking devices on the legs for jumping?

[testgasm]

[you ARE a menace!!!]

Oh, those are--we had something back home, they're called long fall boots. Sort of, well. A bit exactly what they sound like. Make it so you can only land on your feet, no matter how far you fall. Thought it might be...useful. Seeing as I've never had legs before.

[He expects to fall off of things.]

[groupiedrifter]

... I want some long fall boots. Can we make some long fall boots?

[HE WOULD LIKE TO FALL LIKE A CAT.]

We'll be master jumpers!

[testgasm]

I mean, I can tell you what I remember about them, and we can see if they can be--if they can be recreated. Then you can jump off as many ledges as you want.

[groupiedrifter]

Sounds like a plan!

... But I'll be sure to test them on very small ledges first.

[testgasm]

Yeah, that--I think that would be a good idea.

If it makes you feel any better, they were pretty foolproof. We'll just have to figure out how it all works.

[groupiedrifter]

I do like me a good technological challenge.

Maybe after this next mission, as long as it isn't, y'know. Even more traumatizing.

[testgasm]

Yes, sounds like a plan. Viveca said she'll try and get a few things, too, so we'll be--we'll be in business.