shinjiro aragaki (
petsthedog) wrote in
ximilia2021-10-20 03:27 am
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[ text ] un: aragaki; like 4 am
[It comes on the network like an intrusive thought -- because it is. Because Shinjiro can't sleep, even with all the talk of distracting activities like movies and pumpkin carving and costume parties. (Where do you even get costumes on a spaceship, anyway?)
Because he can't stop thinking about what Olexa said in that building, at the end. Would you die trying to get that stone back? Cheri's motivations were selfish, but then, aren't theirs too? So-Yeon's hadn't been, and while she'd surrendered the orb, what if she hadn't? What about the next mission?]
do you think the orb is worth killing people for
Because he can't stop thinking about what Olexa said in that building, at the end. Would you die trying to get that stone back? Cheri's motivations were selfish, but then, aren't theirs too? So-Yeon's hadn't been, and while she'd surrendered the orb, what if she hadn't? What about the next mission?]
do you think the orb is worth killing people for
still text
After a while, another text arrives.]
you're not even sure you believe the regret thing is real
so why?
ain't you worried you're just addin marks for nothin
[At least Shinjiro fervently, desperately wants that power they've been promised, even if he's struggling to justify wanting it at this point.]
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why keep goin with this
with us
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[ especially with shuri gone, erik wants answers. he still wants power. ]
like, you wanna know how it all pans out right? with ken and everything. you wanna know it worked.
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i'd need em, for what i want
but i'll just be tradin other corpses for hers by the end of this
makin more kids whose lives are ruined cause of me
[. . . . . .]
i oughta stop bitchin about this to you
i dunno why i made it your problem in the first place
you know you could tell me to fuck off anytime, right?
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[ ah. hm. for a moment, even erik's not quite sure how to respond. he's not entirely sure what kind of position he has in shinji's mind. and shinji is not someone he wants to use. not because erik has limits but because he knows the line would get blurry. ]
I know. S'fine. I would have done it if I felt like it.
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ain't it worse to hurt people for em and not use em?
[Maybe. He's not sure. He never thought about most of these things before that night. He was only sixteen.]
is it really fine
i remind you of all the shit that went wrong with your life, right
[He doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't want Erik to stop talking to him. But the self-loathing is burning particularly strong right now, and he thinks maybe he deserves to be miserable about all this. For having the hubris to believe he could make anything right. There's no going back when someone's dead because of you. He believes that. And yet, here he is. He can't even bring himself to let it go, despite all these reservations.]
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[ his next response takes a lot longer to arrive though. ]
You sure you wanna have this discussion like this?
[ or . . . at all . . . ]
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[Either of those things, really. But he feels unsure if he should actually be arguing with Erik about this.]
doesn't matter to me how we have it
you want video or should i come find you
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And yeah, let's meet up.
[ there's only so much erik is willing to say on the network. ]
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sunlight room?
[They were sitting under the stars the first time Shinjiro told him about what he did. If this is going to be their last conversation, it only seems fitting.]
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action
As Erik approaches, he lifts his head, nodding in acknowledgment.]
Hey.
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'Sup.
You wanna ask your question one more time?
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[It was hard enough the first time. He takes a deep breath, steeling himself.]
I said, I remind you of all the shit that went wrong with your life, right?
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Nah. Some things, maybe. Not all of it. I'd say you remind me of my uncle, but I never met the guy.
All I ever knew was he killed my dad and left me there. Collateral damage.
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He couldn't say if he left Ken there on purpose or not. He never thought he'd see the kid again after that night, certainly. It's the only reason he came back to SEES, in the end. If that boy was there, it was his responsibility to watch out for him, to keep him from getting hurt.
Shinjiro is tempted to ask why Erik's uncle killed his father--all this time he'd assumed somebody else killed his dad. An outsider like himself. But it's best not to derail this with personal questions like that, especially if he's trying to let the man cut him loose already.]
So why do you still talk to me, anyway? I know it ain't for the company.
[He knows what he's like. A gloomy kid at best, with baggage that's weighed down perhaps every conversation they've ever had.]
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“One may smile, and smile, and be a villain. ”
he shrugs. ]
What're you askin', really? Are you trying to find a reason to get me to stop?
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[He doesn't want Erik to go. He thinks Erik probably should. Shinjiro may not admit to it, but he's been struggling a long time--it's that impulse to make yourself hurt when nothing else makes sense. Erik, the only one he's ever told his story that hasn't told him, it's not your fault, can make him hurt.]
Or maybe just an answer.
[Maybe just a reason to keep going, as guilt threatens to tear him in different directions.]
dw where was this tag jfc
I'm not invested in being somethin' that you can use to hurt yourself. I have enough of that shit in the past. People felt guilty but they didn't do anything. They just felt bad and left me to — [ he cuts himself off. he had been thinking of uncle james. pleading his case to erik to save t'challa's life. I am the cause of your father's death. as if it fixed everything. killing him hadn't been satisfying because the old man practically begged for it.
and he hates it. he hates it because they all want to die, they all want to use death as a way to get out of it. ] — I have my own reasons for what I do and they're mine.
rude dw!!
[He pushes off from where he's leaning against the bridge, finally turns to look toward Erik. Somehow, Shinjiro manages to look both awfully young and far too old at the same time.]
Y'know...I think you hate yourself just as bad as I do. S'like you said, right? Who'd you even be if y'ain't hurtin'?
[He's skirting dangerously close to some kind of line, he feels. But Erik won't give him an answer, and he's tired. Maybe it's better if he keeps his his distance until the missions are seen through and he can be done already.]
So you let some punk trash asshole hang around and ask shit that pisses you off and then act like it's on you not to hurt me.
Don't you understand I ain't got shit to offer? Why're you still wastin' your time?
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"You will destroy the world, Wakanda included!" t'challa had yelled out at him but erik —
still, he knows what shinji is trying to do, so his jaw clenches tightly. ]
Is that what you want, then? You want me to fuckin' hurt you? You think I'm that much of a monster that I would?
[ — it was too late for him. he was already the monster. ]
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Shinjiro never did. And maybe at another time, this would have quieted him. Maybe if the hour were less late and Shinjiro were less raw or the moment less fraught he might have been able to at least disengage. Might have been able to realize all they had for each other were their sharp broken glass edges.
Instead, what slips out is something he never meant to say out loud.]
I want to know why you don't hate me!
[Hot tears finally overflow and leak out. He's always been careful to hide it from Erik if their conversations got too painful, but that's impossible here. He doesn't even try to stop them. Once the outburst has passed, his anger slowly crumbles into something more like despair.]
You're...I thought you'd...understand --
[Erik never told him it wasn't his fault. And Shinjiro has longed for someone to punish him for so, so long. His voice cracks in his throat, and this time the look in his eyes is far too young, like a child desperate for reassurance]
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"No tears for me?"
the urge to reach out to his necklace is overwhelming. to feel the cut of metal against his fingers, to dig into his skin. to make him bleed. they're both abandoned here and erik — erik was regurgitating the cycle of fatalism. what would his father want him to say here? what should he do?
he breathes it out. by any means necessary malcolm x had once said. but he can't live that way anymore.
he's not even alive. ]
I just don't want to. Yeah, it's hard to separate the bad shit. It's ingrained in me. I'm never gonna get it out.
Hating things just blackens the heart. It eats you inside out. Even if you're hatin' yourself.
Like you do.
doin another cw for somewhat explicit suicidality
He doesn't understand. Akihiko, he'd grown up with. Mitsuru had been a friend, and a Kirijou besides. They made sense. Erik, though. Erik has suffered the way Amada had suffered. Erik has been the one left behind with a dead parent and nobody to believe his story. Shinjiro should be a symbol of all that misery.
He should be someone Erik resents for just breathing anywhere near him. What he says sounds nice enough, but Shinjiro's not sure he can believe it. Or accept it. Why shouldn't Erik want to hate him? What can he possibly see of worth in him? Shinjiro bows his head, fingernails digging into his hands. Sometimes he feels exactly like a rotted out person, honestly. An empty husk where a person once used to live and now where his corpse needs to be dragged along until it can finally be in the ground, ashes and dust.
The tears haven't stopped, because maybe if he doesn't reach out to wipe them away he doesn't have to acknowledge they're there, that they're his when he has no right to this pain. After all, it's like the other man says -- there's no worth to his guilt if he can't do anything with it. And that's an answer, isn't it? If he wants to make his guilt meaningful, he ought to stop whining about things like the goals and the killing because he's already crossed that line and he doesn't get to pretend like he's still a good person. He doesn't know why he can't get over himself. It's pathetic. He's a coward.
(He can't stop crying.)
Shinjiro makes a ragged noise from the back of his throat, trying to find his voice. All he can manage is--]
If nobody else is gonna do it, I might as well, right?
[Maybe if his heart is blackened enough someday, it'll finally stop.]
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