Video | welcome, hallo, buenos días, ohayō, etc, etc! | UN: Newt

[groupiedrifter]

[Newt comes shuffling into view on the screen, holding a cup of coffee in his hand with a bag of what seems to be Sour Patch Kids harrowingly hanging out from beneath the pinky finger of the very same hand. Disheveled but more than happy to provide his services after dragging himself out of bed, he taps his knuckle on the chalkboard beside him — one that used to be Hermann Gottlieb's, may he rest in peace (in a not dead way — may he rest in peace on a beach or something while wholly alive and thriving).]

Noticed an influx of new and kinda-new faces over the last few days or weeks or whatever.

So here's my handy dandy welcome board! Recently updated, to keep with the times.

Read it over and get a feel for how this place goes; I'm gonna finish off this coffee before I take any questions.

[As he takes the world's most obnoxious-sounding sip and burns his tongue, here's the board in question:]



[And then, after a bit of time, he turns the board over to the other side:]



[No worries, current crew, if you can't get one of those introduction papers in person!

Because he's attached them in file format, too.]



[And in case you wanted a text format copy:

Name:
Age:
Birthday:
Favorite color:
Favorite food:
Favorite subject:
Favorite toy:
Favorite animal:
Favorite candy:
Favorite activity:
Favorite place:
Favorite book:
Favorite TV show:
Favorite movie:
I am good at:
I want to learn:
Least favorite subject:
Place I want to go:
If I could make one wish, it would be:
If I could have one superpower, it would be:
This is what I want my teacher to know about me:

(Have at it — threadjacking is encouraged).]

Comments

text. » un: BADGERLOCK

[buckkeep]

King?

( wow he assaulted a king.........let him go die now )

text — un: SOBACHKA

[ravkas]

where you’re from, tom badgerlock, what happens when someone tries to kill a king? just for curiosity’s sake. these sorts of things get my blood flowing.

[buckkeep]

( well.

when people try to kill his king, he kills them. sometimes he kills them for lesser offenses. this doesn't bode well for keeping his own head. )

Where I'm from, kings don't go swimming unaccompanied.

[ravkas]

[ where he's from, people try to kill him regularly. ur good bro ]

if you want to be in the water with me so badly, you need just ask. i won't say no. all this dillying and dallying about really isn't necessary to get my attention.

[buckkeep]

There's no need to act so coy, Highness. I have seen what you have to offer.

( by which he means that dragon living inside of you, but which sounds like your whole entire cock and balls and ass. )

[ravkas]

highness, now? i'm touched.

hm, don't like an incredibly witty and handsome fair-haired man then? what's more your type, tom badgerwhatsit?

[buckkeep]

Is there something else I should refer to you as?

Badgerlock. And I don't prefer the company men.

( why does everyone keep assuming this about him )

[ravkas]

nikolai. is there something else i should refer to you as, tom badgerwhosit?

no? you seem to need some extra prodding to describe your ideal type.

[ the lady doth protest, etc. ]

[buckkeep]

Badgerlock. That's all there is. Have you hit your head recently?

I don't have a type. I don't
think about things like that.

[ravkas]

only when you attacked me, but i assure you that we're past that now.

well, why didn't you say so earlier? i think we'll be marvelous friends. i could use a man free of distraction.
wait, does this mean that you have no interests at all or that you chase down everything that moves? it's an important distinction.

[buckkeep]

Oh. Are we?
That's good, then.

I have interests. ( he doesn't care for the way nikolai makes him instinctively behave like a petulant child. but, well. that's probably more fitz's problem than nikolai's, not that it'll stop him from being annoyed. ) Not that it's your business.
You're a King. You don't have friends. But if you have need of muscle, I can be readily available.

[ravkas]

yes, lucky you.

[ that's... rude, to declare he doesn't have friends, but he doesn't really, and he's not enthused to hear it from a caveman lost in the woods. ]

well, as long as you don't fall in love with me, which has been a problem for many in the past, we should get along swimmingly.
oh? and what would you ask for in return of your service?

[buckkeep]

I

( )

I wouldn't. I won't. I can't tell if you're being serious or not, but you don't have to be worried about it. As I said.
I'm used to being a king's man, I don't require anything. In fact, my queen uses the fox as her own symbol. You can pretend my pin is yours instead.

[ravkas]

oh, i'm not worried. you should be worried. my charm sneaks up on most. it's like a magician's spell. before you know it, you're reciting poetry and likening my eyes to the oceans. they're not blue, though. my eyes. take a good look.

riddle me this, tom badgerful. why did you serve your king?

[buckkeep]

I know. They're hazel. More woods than ocean.

( not that fitz has any intention, nor any talent, towards poetry.

in any case, it's a disquieting question, in large part because the true answer means reflecting back on thirty years of life, to the reign of king shrewd farseer who once offered a dirty young boy, smelling of dog and horse from sleeping among the hounds in his stables, his grandson by blood if not birthright, the opportunity to exchange his lifelong loyalty for the idea of a family if not the execution of one. he wanted for very little, growing up. a bastard in the family, but a room in the castle, clothes and education and mentoring and training, and all it cost him was his life.

why did he serve that king, and that king's son, and that king's wife, and that wife's son? because they're his grandfather, his uncle, his auntie, his nephew (his son). because he's eternally on the outside looking in. )

Because I like his horses, and he pays me fairly. More than fairly.

[ravkas]

touching.

[ tom badgerlock is a liar. perhaps even as large a one as nikolai himself. he is equal parts foolish and perceptive, hiding a name and an identity behind a solid wall of muscle and malaise. no king would offer a nobody a coveted spot so close to the throne — well, no king but nikolai, but that's neither here nor there — and therefore tom is somebody. ]

that's not good enough. not by a long shot. although my favorite horse is a piebald pony with crooked ears called punchline. you'd probably crush him if you tried to sit on him.
do you believe in his worth? your king's. not punchline. i already know punchline's worth, and it's far more than you and i combined.
do you believe in anything at all?

[buckkeep]

( piebald, he says, and it seems a little too on the nose to be entirely coincidental. )

Punchline is a terrible name.
And of course I do. I believe in many things, and my king numbers among them. He's young, and still a prince yet, but he's shown backbone far grander than men thrice his age. He fights for the little man. He listens.
If that isn't good enough, you've little idea what it is the common folk desire in a monarch.

[ravkas]

punchline is a terrific name, tom badgerjest.

maybe i need you by my side after all. so you can tell me how to fight for the little man.
maybe i should put you on the throne.

[buckkeep]

It's Badgerlock. You know that it's Badgerlock.

You'd have better luck talking to Prince Dutiful about such things. Sir. I know little more than how to swing an axe and tend the horses.
In any case, I don't think you should joke about such things.

[ravkas]

i think we both know it's not.

oh, i can't stand princes. they're insufferable. i should know. although you seem quite taken with yours, despite your knowing only two things.
life is so tedious without laughter, and the throne is certainly a laughing matter. do you really believe that royal blood makes an arse suitable to sit on one? i've read all about the history of my lineage, and i can count on one hand the number of lantsov men who maybe deserved to warm the seat.
i can't say i'm deserving either, but each day is an opportunity to endeavor to earn it.

[buckkeep]

( well!!!!!!!!! )

What difference does it make?

How can you even say that? It isn't a laughing matter. There's nothing more important than who rules the realm.
Maybe that is the case for your lineage, but it's far from the truth of the Farseers. They've all earned it. They've all been worthy. It's in their blood.

( and the very least, verity and dutiful were worthy. fitz? he doesn't include himself as a farseer. anyway, it's not like he could rule. if nikolai knew how cruel the offer was, he probably wouldn't have teased it — but then again, maybe he would've. from what little he knows of nikolai lantsov, it seems as though there's no line too cemented in stone to cross. )

[ravkas]

none. i'm the sort of man that loves to be lied to.

come now. there's nothing more important? don't be ridiculous. i hardly think i'm the most important man in ravka — the most handsome, yes, certainly — and as devoted as you are to your prince, he's not the most important man in your kingdom, either. the little man is. collectively.
how convenient for the farseers that they're born with such righteous dispositions. speaking of that — farseer? oh.

oh.

[ there's a long pause. he hasn't forgotten the fffffffffflub from their initial meeting. of course tom would have a place in the king's court if — ]

well, i can certainly see why you lied now.
badgerlock is such an awful name, though. it makes me want to eat a badger.

[buckkeep]

( so, he's underestimated nikolai. that's fine. it doesn't matter. in his experience the court of closely kept individuals do more of the thinking than the king himself but that — that is clearly not the case, here. nikolai is smart, which means he's utterly dangerous. )

I am not a liar. I am Tom Badgerlock. Named by my mother.

( i have a mother, of course. one who did not give me up. one who loved me enough to give me a name.

when he was a boy, his father's wife used to call him tom. as in, tom cat. the little stray. silly, he should cling to that name now. )

The little man is only as important as the king allows him to be. The little man is only as righteous as the worst of its ranks.

[ravkas]

[ he wonders, in another life where his mother was brave enough to leave his father and run away with a fjerdan shipping magnate, what his name might have been. ]

it's a pleasure to meet you, tom badgerlock.

i hope your prince didn't feed you that rubbish. in any case, my country is doomed because i'm the least righteous of them all. but then so are you.

[buckkeep]

( through gritted teeth — ) The pleasure is mine, Nikolai Lantsov.

Is that self-pity, or are you attempting to be funny again? You don't have the knowledge to make such claims about me.