ximilia | Video / Text | UN: NEWT | MEET THE CREW (alt title: newton has had 2 energy drinks)

Video / Text | UN: NEWT | MEET THE CREW (alt title: newton has had 2 energy drinks)

Welcome, new meat! My name's Newton, I'm your kind and welcoming local scientific genius rockstar. Pleased to meet you, if you have any questions, feel free to ask. Important things to know about me: I love rock music, I love playing the guitar, I love being elbow-deep in my xenobiology work, and I love finger foods. Also, I have a winning personality.

There's approooximately 35 to 40 other experienced weirdos lurking around this ship, same team as you, not including our lovely AI Viveca — who you can so lovely call 'Viv'! So I figured I might as well give you all a heads up about each and every one of the unlikely and likely heroes roaming these halls.

[The following is an audio-to-text recording called 'Meet the Crew!'.]

Clarke: from outer-space (and is therefore way more prepared than most of us); she's currently on an epic quest to find any bootlegs of reality television shows she can find — so if you find anything, be sure to pass it along to her.

Zelda: a chill lady, scared to say too much because she seems like she's secretly capable of making me sleep with the fishes. She prefers people be direct with her, so do that. Unless it's something that would get you sleeping with the fishes.

Clara: Tiny and adorable, and also outer space savvy. Her British elbows are razor sharp, so don't make her use them on your ribcage. It's like getting jabbed with toothpicks! Get on her good side by offering her tea, get on her bad side by not saying her outfit is cute.

The Doctor: He likes allegedly ugly hats and cool bowties, but most importantly, he is our resident waffle-maker. I hear that if you say 'waffles' three times in a mirror, he appears. Unsure if he's actually a doctor, to be honest. I would like to see some credentials.

River: Will call you sweetie, guaranteed, which is very nice because nobody ever calls me sweetie. She is talented at outer-space, too, and time-stuff, and generally seems like one of the more capable adults around the ship. No offense to everyone else.

Edward: One of the Youngins, he's got a sweet braid and an even sweeter metal arm — and knows alchemy. If you need to barter to get something ~~magically~~ scientifically fixed good as new, he's your dealer. Short.

Zhongli: The kind of well-spoken that says 'I can kick your ass and suavely fix my jacket after'. But more importantly, he rocks some cute orange eyeliner.

Syrlya: From Tyria (does that rhyme or what? Syrlya from Tyria), which is apparently full of magic. A little on the serious side. We've made a pact to make some jewelry for each other. If you want in, you're gonna have to work for it. In desperate need of more hobbies and relaxation time.

Yzak: Ornery guy with ornery haircut. He's a military-type, and he apparently hates Connect Four for no good reason. I will pay you guys good money to beat him in chess. He also knows how to kick someone's ass, which I think doesn't couple well with his temper. Great pal, kiss kiss.

Eddie: Dealt with killer clown??? But worse than that, he was a businessman for a time. Don't worry, he's reformed — now he can live his dream of wearing some gaudy rings and doing jazzercise dances. He might look worried, but his eyebrows are just Like That. Pairs well with Trashmouth.

Trashmouth: His name is apparently Richie, but that's way more boring than 'Trashmouth'. He's from Eddie's universe, but that doesn't stop him from making his own universe in his head where he's actually funny. Okay, that's mean. I'll give you 70%, Richie. 70% of your jokes are funny. That's fair, you have to admit.

Ellie: Helpful, Fellow tattoo enthusiast???? Forget everyone else, hit me up, I wanna see your piece!!! ╰(*°▽°*)╯

Daisy: Member of the 'Ladies Who Could Step On Me and I'd Say Thank You' club, otherwise known as the 'Please Don't Body Slam Me Ma'am' club. Capable fighter, great to have on your team, and top tier buddy to have at a pizza party. Every time I see you my brain plays that Daisy Bell bicycle song. I don't mean to do it, it just happens!

Bucky: Bionic grumpy cat is a complete ray of sunshine. Farts rainbows. Really likes warm conversation and high-fives, really proficient at arm wrestling.

Erik: MIT grad, allegedly crazy-good with computers. Cool locs, really smart guy, unfairly handsome like half of the ship, but I have it on good authority he's a furry and can't be trusted.

Natasha: I will not say anything rude or obnoxious because I don't want her to crush my head with her thighs like a melon.

Sam: Redwing's pet human, lots of upkeep, but Redwing loves him and cares for him anyway, like a good pet owner should. I've heard Sam's a great guy to talk to if you need to take it easy, and pretty good at fighting, too. Which is weird, considering his lack of tits, abs, and ass.

Bakugo: Potty mouth. Has a terrible temper, probably. One of the rebellious youth. Has a terrible hero name.

Sabriel: Extremely smart magic-user. Talented, brilliant, show-stopping, spectacular. May be one of the sanest people on board! No offense to everyone else, especially myself, because it's a fair assessment.

Rosinante: Biggest boy on the ship. If you Tarzan-touch hands with his, you'll relive what it feels like to be a kid holding an adult's hand. If you need make-up tips, go to him. I'm not SAYING to call him Rosi for short. I would NEVER do that.

Dusty: Cute wolfy dude, very hip and with the times, probably ready to form a cuddle pile club at a moment's notice.

Hermann: Genius math guy, great for numbers, terrible at social interaction. Don't ever throw out his gross healthy food because he'll hold it against you for at least five years. Chronic R-roller, needs intervention. I also hear he hits people with his cane for fun.

Shinjiro: Big softie under surly frown. If you look at him really sad, he'll make you some ramen noodles. Beanie enthusiast, hopefully not hiding a cul-de-sac under there; he's too young to need Bosley's.

Wheatley: A sci-fi robot who dreams of having ripped robot abs. Don't throw him like a dodgeball out of panic, when you meet him. He's a pretty chill dude, with the loveliest blue eye on the ship.

Ratchet: The actual furry on board, 10/10 fuzzy, and thankfully one of the few people shorter than me. Also skilled at space travel and savvy with technology. If you need an upgrade to a propulsion system, he's your guy, and he's way smarter than he gives himself credit for. I wanna touch his ears. (Wait, did that send?)

Alina: I feel like we should have a running count of 'ladies I don't wanna write about because I really feel like that 'haha I'm in danger' meme from the Simpsons. Which is to say: she seems cool! Alina, I'll need you to verify if you're cool or not.

Kirigan: Serious McSeriousFace, from a land called Ravka; knows a thing or two about battle and strategy, I think. He looks like he'd be a model for Calvin Klein. If you're modern, give him some pointers on modern things. Like hook-ups.

Kirk: Reliable, friendly, a great smoocher. Part of the fun squad. Dare I say... captain of the fun squad? No but he's a captain for a big fancy space ship somewhere, and he's second place for 'prettiest blue eyes' behind Wheatley. What's with everyone looking like a model around here, anyway? If you need lessons on hitting on people, hit him up. Or hit on him, and he'll score you on a scale of 1 to 10.

Finn: Not the person you go to for lessons on hitting on people. Also extremely friendly and kind, and perfect for making friends. Give him so many friends, it'd make his head spin. Also, tease him about space STDs. Your number one mission, should you accept it, is to help him try out different fashions and find his style™.

Sans: Please don't panic when you see the skeleton guy, the skeleton guy will not harm you. He will more than likely be snoozing or making jokes that are only slightly better than Trashmouth's. Perfect napping buddy BTW, FYI, JSYK. I'm secretly jealous of his slippers, I want a pair, they look really comfy. He shoved me in a laundry hamper and stole me away once.

Yanli: Very sweet, very well-mannered and formal, master of all things soup. If you want soup, she's your gal. If she bows at you and you don't bow back, you're a monster and I'm coming for you.

Wangji: The guy seems super elegant and composed, very polite. Voting him 'most likely to walk the elderly across the street'. Also apparently a pretty talented musician! Part of our 'men with hair I desperately want to sit and brush for positive self-soothing' crew.

Xichen: Wangji's bro, in the literal sense. He toots on a flute to make people feel better, so if you need that? I've got your tooter. Part of our 'men with hair I desperately want to sit and brush for positive self-soothing' crew. He is probably voted most likely to cry watching Titanic in my head.

Wuxian: An enigma. A mystery!!! Who are you??? Part of our 'men with hair I desperately want to sit and brush for positive self-soothing' crew... He's also unfairly tall, like half of this ship. Short people, stand up and revolt with me.

Wen Qing: Didn't know pizza. A travesty. But now she's familiar with emoticons, so that's a win! I get the distinct feeling she's got a dry witty kinda way about her, so don't let her fool you. I'm onto you, lady!!!! 😤☝🍕

Kelloggs: My arch nemesis. I don't even know his real name, I probably should, but if you see the user name 'K', know that he's probably gonna be a big meanie. I hear tell he breaks the fingers of anyone who tries to poke him. Feel free to make up other names for 'K', like Kentucky Fried Chicken or Kimmy Schmidt.

Lance: Skilled space dude. At this least ship knows how to pick out the space people? Thank god, because we need people around who know how to navigate the deep dark horrors of cosmic travels. Seems like he tolerates tomfoolery.

Renfri: Cool fighty lady, very tough, seems like she'd be extremely well-versed in making disappointed faces at people like me. Unsure if she tolerates tomfoolery! (Am I just intimidated by tough ladies? I think I am.)

Majima: If you need tips on seduction, he's a smooooth operator. Rocks an eyepatch like nobody else and official tattoo aficionado like yours truly. Therefore, he's one of the coolest people on board. Sorry, I don't make the rules, I just enforce them.

And there you have it! Your wonderful, super capable, super talented Ximilia crew! I'm wanting the full details of you new people in return, just for the record. A/S/L, hobbies, special skills, deep dark secret backstories, all of it. Fork 'em over now, or it'll be off to the airlocks with you. Chop-chop.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You really go ancient with your tunes, huh?

Excuse you! Radiohead's latest was A Moon Shaped Pool in 2016.

I can go as late as 2025 — is that ancient for you, too?

That was already a century old by the time I was born. These days, I figure most people don't even remember it.

... God, another one of you.

There's way too many future-types around here. I'm probably super dead by your time, then! That's way too bleak for me.

Also, I'm calling bullshit; some music is timeless!

Uh huh, and what makes us the future types? Maybe we're the present and you're just the idiot stuck in the past.

... And what if I told you there are people here way ahead of your time?

[B^)]

[ ಠ_ಠ ]

Then that just makes you even more fucking behind, right?

I don't mind being behind if it means dragging you into a watery timeline grave with me.

Well, wouldn't be the first time I opened my eyes and ended up centuries ahead.

[ story of his life at this point. ]

Then if we're both gonna be dipshits left behind, can we at least toast to it?

Y'know, I think I can toast to that.

Here's to some left behind grandpas.

Yeah, well, at least get this grandpa an actual drink to toast with.

Visit the lab, I've got a fourth a bottle left of some really strong shit and some good music playing.

[He's doing some studying under a microscope, but he can stop long enough to give you a clean beaker of science gin.]

You had me at really strong shit.

[ he doesn't even care who he's getting it from. ]

Where's this lab?

Ooooh no. You gotta work for your free booze; it's really hard to find on the Ximilia, sad to say, so I'm only willing to part with it for the truly eager souls on this station.

So get to it, let's see some of those exploration skills at work.

[He winks before signing off. The punk.]

[ what an asshole.

and if it weren't for the fact that he hasn't had a drop of liquor since he's been on this station — and he's going to lose it if they make him drink one more cup of tea — he'd probably not even bother. but he'd kill for the chance to get drunk right now, since sitting around and waiting for this apparent mission hasn't exactly been the most productive.

he probably doesn't need to have had some recent history in forced detective work to figure out where this lab is, but it definitely helps. he hasn't yet explored the entire station, but he's been around enough that he can drag himself from his room and around the halls, studying the doors, before finding his way through the sunlight room and hearing the music drifting out from one side, leading him to the lab.

so soon enough, newton will see the aforementioned big muscular loner as predicted stepping inside, looking very much in need of a drink. ]

So, what — do I win the grand prize?

[Newton's apparently decided to cut Kovacs a bit of slack — the Sex Pistols are playing on the speakers, which is usually a good way to go deaf, but he's lowered the volume just enough to not make the bones in the guy's ~~snatched~~ body not shake. He turns from the microscope he'd been looking down and holds up the super strong gin from Space Korea in one fist.]

Congrats, buddy. Hope you weren't expecting a surprise car with this; I'm all out of those.

[He pops the top, absently pours some in a sort-of-shot-shaped-if-you-squint science beaker, and then slides it over to Kovac like it's the most normal thing in the world.]

[ he doesn't actually mind the loudness of the music, and sometimes it's more tolerable than the silence. because silence often means getting too caught up in whatever's going on in his head, and that's usually a means of dealing with bullshit he really isn't in the mood for.

so he can stand the music, especially if it comes accompanied with the offered drink, hardly caring what he has to drink it out of (he's definitely drank out of worse things than a beaker). ]

Not like a car's gonna bust me out of this place.

[ never mind that he volunteered for this. he's also trying not to think about that either.

when the drink is slid his way, he picks it up, giving it a sniff. ] So how fucked up is this supposed to get me?

[Newton's cheeky smile probably answers it enough, but-]

Just... drink slow, dude. Or you'll get tanked before you know it.

I swiped this from the last planet; it got a whole room turned upside down with drunk pals, so I'd say on a scale of one to ten, it's a certified ten. [He looks at Kovacs with a furrowed brow.] What, you wanna bust out already? You just got here.

Noted.

[ though he's pretty sure he can handle his liquor just fine, bringing the beaker to his lips to sample a taste. but even he manages to scrunch his nose when he realizes that, yeah, that's strong as hell, muttering a quiet holy shit. not bad, though. ]

Guess I haven't decided if it's worth dealing with. [ a pause, thinking, before he asks, ] You think all that deal shit is true?

[He shrugs, and knows that a.) they're probably filming and listening to them on this station and b.) who gives a shit, anarchy in the UK, fuck authority, etc. etc. etc. If they hear him have his doubts and get mad enough to kick him out, then he seriously doubts they were worth trusting or were going to deliver on these regret-fixer-uppers.

Newt likes to think, if the Ximilia string-pullers are paying any actual attention, that they'd see just how hard he worked to do his best that last mission — that, like the PPDC figured out — he's definitely a helpful member of the team, despite his very vocal flaws.

But anyways.]

Who knows. They could be screwing us over hardcore.

[He looks through his microscope again, clearly splitting his attention expertly in two directions.]

Here's the way I see it, though: there's not a organization or party in the world you can work for that isn't capable of fucking you over. So why not roll some dice and explore outer space while you try to fix — whatever it is you're trying to fix.

[He leans back, almost too far back, like he's daring his barstool to betray him.]

Can I ask what you're trying to fix, or are you obnoxiously secretive in that "if I tell you I'd have to kill you" way?

Edited 2021-09-27 09:48 (UTC)

[ if they really are listening in, kovacs isn't necessarily concerned, since it's not like a man like him ever makes it much of a secret when he's skeptical. before this, he was in the middle of an entirely different deal, one with someone plenty rich and powerful whom he didn't have an ounce of respect for; if he's getting caught up in this shit again, he's going to ask questions. ]

Only thing I'd change about your words is adding in guaranteed instead of just capable. Always a good chance we're already fucked.

[ but, hey, it's all the same shit, different day.

snickering at newt's question, he brings the beaker back to his mouth for another drink. ]

Won't kill you, but I'm still not nearly drunk enough to get into that. Maybe if this shit's as good as you say it is, I'll talk.

[Pfft. Apparently none too concerned with the big tough-looking dude standing around in the lab, he turns back to look down his microscope.]

Suit yourself, dude.

What about we just exchange one fact about us at a time?

Tit for tat. I'm too impatient for even the fastest buzz.

Sounds like a kid's game.

[ but it's not like he has much better things to do while he's waiting around here, so, why not, right? plus, at least he has a drink to settle with. ]

How 'bout starting with what you're even looking at over there?

[ he gives a vague wave over to him on the microscope. does the game involve asking questions? he doesn't care. ]

You got something against kid's games?

[Glancing up from his microscope, he says, quite comfortably:]

Infected monster tissues from our first mission.

I figured I should make a more detailed write-up on the composition.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

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