[ text ] un: aragaki; like 4 am

[petsthedog]

[It comes on the network like an intrusive thought -- because it is. Because Shinjiro can't sleep, even with all the talk of distracting activities like movies and pumpkin carving and costume parties. (Where do you even get costumes on a spaceship, anyway?)

Because he can't stop thinking about what Olexa said in that building, at the end. Would you die trying to get that stone back? Cheri's motivations were selfish, but then, aren't theirs too? So-Yeon's hadn't been, and while she'd surrendered the orb, what if she hadn't? What about the next mission?]

do you think the orb is worth killing people for

Comments

[scarcastically]

[ it's not familiar to him either, but he makes a mental note. just in case. ]

Some people don't look at it too closely. Or at least don't get the hypocrisy. To them, it's a numbers game. Less people dead must be better than more people right?

They never look down.

[petsthedog]

you know what's stupid
think i'd rather they just told us to suck it up and not be a coward


i keep thinkin about it
bunch of those lionetta guys probably did have kids
way the orb works, we don't even get to stick around to see how things go after

[scarcastically]

I killed a lot of guards in our last one. I did try breaking some arms but it doesn't always cut it.

The point is no one is valued more than the other. That's why I mark them.

oops that 'us' was supposed to be 'me'

[petsthedog]

does it make it easier?

[scarcastically]

It's not supposed to get easier.

[petsthedog]

so how do you handle it
if it feels just as bad every time

( text > video )

[scarcastically]

[ erik switches to video. he's taken off his shirt and you can see the neatly dotted lines, covering his chest and arms. ]

I make a mark. So they're not forgotten.

still text

[petsthedog]

[For a second, Shinjiro stares. He's not -- surprised, entirely, but it's also more marks than he can possibly count. He wonders, sometimes, why Erik even talks to him. Some punk trash kid who can't get over his one, singular mark. He should represent everything that went wrong in this man's life, and yet.

After a while, another text arrives.]

you're not even sure you believe the regret thing is real
so why?
ain't you worried you're just addin marks for nothin

[At least Shinjiro fervently, desperately wants that power they've been promised, even if he's struggling to justify wanting it at this point.]

( text )

[scarcastically]

No. If I take a life, I mark it. Doesn't matter where or how. Doesn't matter if the cause is real or just survival.

( text )

[petsthedog]

that ain't what i mean
why keep goin with this
with us

[scarcastically]

cuz I have things I wanna see through.

[ especially with shuri gone, erik wants answers. he still wants power. ]

like, you wanna know how it all pans out right? with ken and everything. you wanna know it worked.

[petsthedog]

weren't you talkin about destroying them, before?
i'd need em, for what i want
but i'll just be tradin other corpses for hers by the end of this
makin more kids whose lives are ruined cause of me

[. . . . . .]

i oughta stop bitchin about this to you
i dunno why i made it your problem in the first place
you know you could tell me to fuck off anytime, right?

[scarcastically]

That's still on the cards. I ain't big on being party to a system that steps on others. But to do that, I gotta play the long game.

[ ah. hm. for a moment, even erik's not quite sure how to respond. he's not entirely sure what kind of position he has in shinji's mind. and shinji is not someone he wants to use. not because erik has limits but because he knows the line would get blurry. ]

I know. S'fine. I would have done it if I felt like it.

[petsthedog]

i dunno
ain't it worse to hurt people for em and not use em?

[Maybe. He's not sure. He never thought about most of these things before that night. He was only sixteen.]

is it really fine
i remind you of all the shit that went wrong with your life, right

[He doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't want Erik to stop talking to him. But the self-loathing is burning particularly strong right now, and he thinks maybe he deserves to be miserable about all this. For having the hubris to believe he could make anything right. There's no going back when someone's dead because of you. He believes that. And yet, here he is. He can't even bring himself to let it go, despite all these reservations.]

[scarcastically]

Using and hurting them kind of amounts to the same thing. Besides, you can't go through life without hurting people, no matter how good you are. It's a natural part of life.

[ his next response takes a lot longer to arrive though. ]

You sure you wanna have this discussion like this?

[ or . . . at all . . . ]

[petsthedog]

i'm not so sure i believe that

[Either of those things, really. But he feels unsure if he should actually be arguing with Erik about this.]

doesn't matter to me how we have it
you want video or should i come find you

[scarcastically]

That's up to you.

And yeah, let's meet up.

[ there's only so much erik is willing to say on the network. ]

[petsthedog]

sure
sunlight room?

[They were sitting under the stars the first time Shinjiro told him about what he did. If this is going to be their last conversation, it only seems fitting.]

[scarcastically]

Yeah, that works. I'll be there shortly.

action

[petsthedog]

[He'll find Shinjiro there, leaning against the bridge over the little brook, staring up at the simulated moon. He looks exhausted, like it's been a few nights straight he's had trouble sleeping.

As Erik approaches, he lifts his head, nodding in acknowledgment.]

Hey.

[scarcastically]

[ erik's gaze had been focused on the ceiling. his fingers fuss around his chain where his father's ring lies. ]

'Sup.

You wanna ask your question one more time?

[petsthedog]

Seriously?

[It was hard enough the first time. He takes a deep breath, steeling himself.]

I said, I remind you of all the shit that went wrong with your life, right?

[scarcastically]

[ the vibranium ring catches the light. after a moment, erik shakes his head. ]

Nah. Some things, maybe. Not all of it. I'd say you remind me of my uncle, but I never met the guy.

All I ever knew was he killed my dad and left me there. Collateral damage.

[petsthedog]

[It's funny how memory can be; some of the moments from that night are burned into his mind permanently -- the woman's corpse in the sickly-green light of the Dark Hour, her blood leaking out into the street. The sounds of his own screams as Castor wreaked havoc. But he doesn't remember much else of what happened afterward. He isn't sure if he ran, or if Aki and Mitsuru took him away from there, or if the Kirijou Group showed up to cover up the evidence. Everything besides those moments are a blur.

He couldn't say if he left Ken there on purpose or not. He never thought he'd see the kid again after that night, certainly. It's the only reason he came back to SEES, in the end. If that boy was there, it was his responsibility to watch out for him, to keep him from getting hurt.

Shinjiro is tempted to ask why Erik's uncle killed his father--all this time he'd assumed somebody else killed his dad. An outsider like himself. But it's best not to derail this with personal questions like that, especially if he's trying to let the man cut him loose already.]

So why do you still talk to me, anyway? I know it ain't for the company.

[He knows what he's like. A gloomy kid at best, with baggage that's weighed down perhaps every conversation they've ever had.]

[scarcastically]

[ he frowns, his fingers dropping from his ring. he's not sure if he wants to examine it. things like kindness, empathy, they're feelings to be used, not to be used by. and he knows what he is. a frankenstein monster, made up of parts, destined to raise a hand against his makers.

“One may smile, and smile, and be a villain. ”

he shrugs. ]

What're you askin', really? Are you trying to find a reason to get me to stop?