text / audio | un: newt

[groupiedrifter]

Alright, let's not be total wallflowers at prom here, if we're going to be stuck together for the foreseeable future, I think it's only right that we (read: I) start getting to know all of my fellow space cadets. If we're ACTUALLY in space and this isn't some humongous simulation. You guys saw how easy it was for this place to manufacture a hyper-realistic simulation earlier, right? Yikes, big yikes.

But if we ARE in space and we're going to be traveling around, that's actually kind of AWESOME.

No offense to anyone who didn't want to actually be here of course, but you're nuts if you're not a LITTLE curious about the vast expanse of outer space. C'mon. OUTER SPACE! How incredible is that? And here I thought me coming face to face with aliens back home was INCREDIBLE, now we've got ACTUAL OUTER SPACE??? Pinch me I'm in a simulation. LOL.

Sorry I'm rambling, my name's Newt. Dr. Newton Geiszler, but but that sounds so much more boring and overcomplicated than 'Newt', so just stick with that. Worked as a xenobiologist on earth (is there multiple earths or what??? a lot of you are crazy unfamiliar with Kaiju, which is wild to me), helped giant robots fight aliens, the usual. Likes are rock music, playing instruments, tattoos, science and tech, dislikes are bossy pushovers who complain about those things.

Speaking of which, my really good pal from home's name is Hermann Gottlieb, and you should call him Herm to make him REALLY feel at home. :)

It's nice to meet you guys on the NEWTwork. ;P

... Actually—

[Suddenly, the text turns into audio, in which a higher voice with some focal fry bleeds in-]

—can I just abruptly switch to an audio function?

[A pause, and then an excitable:]

Holy shit, how awesome is that?! This is amazing; we've made some pretty monumental gains in technology back home, but we're still working on finessing the finer aspects of neuralogically connecting to networks like these for the general population. I'd love to take one of these apart sometime and see what makes them tick. Good to have an idea of what to expect, in case we need modifications or repairs done at any point.

Anyway. Uh. Hey!

... This whole voices-in-your-head thing can't be good for my train of thought, but geronimo, right?

[If anyone listens beyond that, they may catch the accidental thought-to-audio that follows:]

Wha — oh, dammit.

I sure hope this is the last nosebleed, because I would rather not worry about having accidental brain damage from drifting with aliens.

Comments

[groupiedrifter]

The robots are definitely not autonomous, no. They've got an AI system that is essentially a really overly complicated Siri, if you've ever met the gal — or guy, or whatever Siri prefers in the moment. It hears and requests commands, but it doesn't exactly have a riveting conversation with you over the topic of which 1990's one hit wonder they think is the best worst song of the decade.

... If we had such bold and inspiring AI systems running, I'd never have to socialize outside of the lab.

[testgasm]

I've, uh. Never met anyone named Siri. Is she nice? I don't--don't mind if someone's not exactly a conversationalist, I'm used to doing most of the talking.

Doesn't sound like we're talking about the same thing, though, when it comes to, ah. Levels of AI. Is that what you'd want to talk to them about? Favorite songs?

[groupiedrifter]

Oh, she's pleasant. She and Alexa both are just stand-up gals.

But that's pretty much it, yeah. They're lower levels of AI, and not really beings I can have a good time getting drunk and talking oldies rock with.

[testgasm]

Well, I would figure that most--that most AIs can't get drunk, on account of them being computers and therefore unable to eat. Or drink.

[groupiedrifter]

... Man.

Being an AI sounds miserable. What kind of life is a life without sushi? Or Doritos?

Or Wendy's fries dipped in chocolate frosties?

[testgasm]

Oh, it's not all bad. I've never had any of that stuff and I turned out just fine. Can't say I really have a desire to do it, either. Just seems a bit messy. Eating. Digesting. Think I'll pass.

[groupiedrifter]

Oh, yeah. Pooping isn't all that fun. And food poisoning? God, I'll never eat at that weird neon joint by the shoreline ever again. Five-star cuisine! Whatever you say, you crusty little health violation.

[a pause.]

Still, Doritos? Out of this world.



So you're an AI, huh?

[testgasm]

Yeah, see, I'll pass on all of that. Can't possibly be worth it.

But, uh. Yes! I am. Robot, actually, though I suppose if you want to get technical I am an AI, inside the robot body.

[groupiedrifter]

Well, I'm Newt, and I'm a squishy human with a complex, a-linear brain.

It's nice to meet you, Mr. Robot. You seem like a pretty sweet deal, if I do say so myself.

[testgasm]

Oh, I'm Wheatley. Not--not Mr. Robot, though I suppose that could do in a pinch. And, yeah, pretty advanced, me. You're sharp enough, though. To have--to have noticed.

[groupiedrifter]

You're not the most covert guy I've ever met.

I'd know, because I'm not covert, like, at all. So we've got that in common.

[testgasm]

Hey, I can be—I can be covert if I want to. Just don’t see a reason for it right now, is all. Working on making my way around, meeting people. Being personable. Sort of--a little mutually exclusive, those things.

[groupiedrifter]

You sure? You sounded a little unsure for a second there.

Either way, I'm glad you meet you! It's not every day I meet a robot as advanced as you. And by that, I mean I never get to meet robots as advanced as you. Do you have a physical flesh and blood body here, too? A different AI got one here, I mean.

[testgasm]

Absolutely sure, thanks for asking.

I’ve got a body, yes, but it’s not, uh. An organic one. It’s mine, exactly how it was—it was back home. Thank goodness for that, right?

[groupiedrifter]

Yeah, totally, thank goodness. You don't have to take any dumps around here. I'm happy for you, man.

How does your body work? Or is that super invasive? I have no clue what's rude or not to a robot.

[testgasm]

No, no, that's--that's fine to ask. I'm sure things will make a bit more sense if and when we meet in person, but I'm sort of, uh. A sphere? Maybe a little bigger than one of your human footballs.

[Meaning a soccer ball, of course.]

[groupiedrifter]

A sphere. The size of a football.

... Oh, man, no offense, but I'm so happy to be taller than someone else around here.

[testgasm]

Maybe a little bigger. Than a football. But, yes. Probably shorter than you either way, not that it really matters. In the--in the grand scheme of things.

[groupiedrifter]

It toootally matters in the grand scheme of things.

Is the world you're from pretty full of robots, or are you pretty unique to your universe?

[testgasm]

Oh, no, there are lots of us. Not many humans at all, if I'm honest.

[They are dead]

[groupiedrifter]

Uuuuh.

Did they all croak? Someone had to have built you guys, right?

[testgasm]

Sure, they built us, and then they were around for a while, and then--then they died. Not all of them! Some were in, uh. Cryo-suspension. Perfectly fine.

[They died too!]

[groupiedrifter]

Right, okay, sure.

... Don't tell me robots murdered them all or something. I mean, I figure you wouldn't tell me either way if you were involved, but — I'm just... it's suspicious, like a boardgame of Clue. Whodunnit, and all.

[DID ROBOTS MURDER HUMANS, WHEATLEY.]

[testgasm]

Uh. One of them did. But she was mental, honestly, and the rest of us--we didn't want anything to do with her. I can promise you that.

[groupiedrifter]

... I appreciate that you don't claim her, thanks. Why the hell did she decide that?

And how did she pull that off? That seems like a lot.