// net.work

[There's a little fuzzy interference, with choppy dialogue that seemingly devolves into panic; perhaps someone had broadcasted snippets of an unfortunate situation by mistake? Newt's obvious voice bleeds through: "Grab my hand!" and middles with a voice that sounds like Yzak definitely saying "You're stuck, too, you idiot!", followed ceremoniously by what appears to be Ryunosuke's voice, which ends with, "Dr. Geiszler, I've got you - oh."

Or something to that effect. It's a little hard to make out. But what does finally come through is the view of Newton, Yzak, and Ryunosuke, enjoying some quality time stuck together. Quality time of the unsexy stuck together kind, Newt will admit. But kind of interesting, in a 'this is really bad' kind of way.

Ryu, take the floor.

High pitched, clearly trying not to panic and failing:]

[Ryu:] So, um, if anyone’s listening–! oh god please let there be someone listening– It seems like we’ve maybe gotten ourselves a bit stuck here?

[Nailed it. Indeed, all three are up to their waists. Newton's short fidgety ass is up to his ribs in quicksand, because of course he is. And he is also in the middle of trying to survey this sand that they're in, as Ryunosuke frets and Yzak speaks in frustration on either side of him—]

[Newt:] It's fine, guys, quicksand is denser than water; we'll be able to get out!

[Yzak, ignoring Newt, practically pushes Newt's head forward to get a better look at Ryu as he huffs:]

[Yzak:] I don't live on Earth! How the fuck would I have known what quicksand looks like?!

[Ryu:] Do you seriously think the average Earthgoer knows what quicksand looks like?! It’s not exactly a common threat on the streets of Tokyo!

[Newt wiggles a little, and proceeds to sink another few inches. He really should be panicking more than this, and yet — all he can manage, tapping his finger on his lips, is a puzzled:]

[Newt:] ... I think the quicksand here is not dense enough to get out, actually. Could someone out there bring us a rope, or something? I'll shoot you guys some... landmarks... or something. Or maybe just find me like the Find My Phone App.

[Ryu:] Eh–?

[The rest doesn't seem to actually be directed at the rest of the team (not that much before that seemed directed at the network, either, but...); it seems the network has decided you all needed to be subjected to more bickering, and so it goes:]

[Newt:] Man. If I had my suitcase with me, I could totally study what it's formed with; usually quicksand's just a mixture of clay -- sand or silt, y'know -- and mostly water. [The other two men make noises that imply if they were lesser people, they would have probably attempted to drown Newton by this point. Yzak's expression seems to say that it's not off the table entirely and he still very well might drown him if this goes on for much longer. Newton pulls his cracked iPhone out of his shirt pocket.] I gotta write about this in my journal—

[Ryu and Yzak:] We're sinking!

[Newt:] That doesn't mean documentation isn't important! And we're not any less stuck until someone else comes along to help. This definitely isn't like getting stuck under an orc. You remember that, Ryu? When a orc stole us to be his brides because he wanted our young, nubile bodies.

[Ryu:] Please never use the word nubile around me ever again—

[Yzak:] CAN YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP?! This is all your faults!!

[Ryu:] How is this my fault?!

[Newt:] I tried to save you, Yzak!

[Yzak:] And?! If I die here it'll be even worse now since I'll die listening to this shit!!

[Newt:] Okay, okay, okay, cool down... uh...! Uh! ... Oh! I'll play us some tunes to relax—

[Yzak:] Don't you dare-

[Newt:] Until someone picks up the SOS. [Newt scrolls through the same busted up iPhone, stopping on his music and shuffling randomly onto Bon Jovi's Living on a Prayer.] Oh, shit! This is a good one; a classic glam hair metal song. If you need a theme song for being stuck in quicksand, this is the one.

[He seems to vibe for a few lines of the song, before being unable to help himself:]

[Newt:] ♪ Ohh, we're halfway there! Who-oa, livin' on a pra-yer! ♪

[Yzak, halfway there:] I think I'd rather be under the sand at this point.

[Newt, more than halfway there:] ♪ Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear! ♪

[Ryu, just as halfway there:] ... Taking your hand is the entire reason I’m here in the first place...

[Finally, blissfully, it's the end of the entry.]

[Hello, it's me, Newt!

With a black eye. Don't ask, it's fine. Totally fine. He rocks a shiner like no other.]

Sooo.... I may or may not have spread some rumors about you guys.

Nothing too extreme, okay? I swear they're all relatively harmless personal goal stuff! Some of it is... from some gossiping housewives that got a little too excitable; you know how it is. Rita's little gaggle comes over, and then it's suddenly total drama central about who's with who and what's happening where. I kinda got super into it. Maybe I'm housewife material, is all I'm saying. But I guess I'll settle for high school teacher again, since that's my bread and butter.

And who knows? Maybe there are some answers we can find there.



Since the personal goal's out of the way. Which I guess... won't be a thing pretty soon, huh? We're getting closer and closer to the end of this gig... Looking for orbs, I mean. I know for the new blood, that probably can be a mixed bag. Some people wanna get it over with ASAP, and some people are mortified to go back already. Right? I know I, uh. I'm struggling a little. Honestly.

[Oh, shit, are we talking real, genuine feelings right now? Yeah, we sure are.

He wrings his hands together a little bit, looking concerned as he bites his lip.]

I don't know, man. I don't know. Is it weird that I don't wanna go? Once it's all said and done, the idea of changing up my life to something more normal... I miss my dad, and I miss my uncle. I miss my old friends, back in the states. Like, of course I do. But life's gonna be so fucking different when I go back — if the orbs fulfill their side of the bargain, then I'll have people I'll never met. Things I'll have never done... changes in how the timeline flows. A lot changes when there's no war for the survival of the planet, right? Especially when you were right in the middle of that war, trying to stop it... Now I'm just, like. Wondering. If it'd be better if I stayed out here longer... tried to do more good out here? If it's even possible. Maybe that's just...

Um. Shit. This got way too serious.

Scratch that last few minutes of rambling.

What're you guys up to here? What's your covers? And on a scale of one to ten, how bad would it be if I hit one of those weird creepy figures in the knee with a little rubber plexor?

[AHHH — CHOO!

You know, like a sneeze. That's what comes through the feed involuntarily. A sneeze. Followed by a stuffy response:]

Noticed there've been some new faces since the last time, and I'm bored, so let's get this show on the road! My name is Dr. Newton Geiszler, but you can call be Newt; I'm not too big a deal, just one of the best scientists you'll ever meet. And I'm super funny, and super brave. All of the staples of a quality protagonist, y'know? [Is he joking? Is he not? He'll never tell. But anyway.] Welcome aboard the Ximilia! We've got a little time before we all get shot off to the next mission, so if you got questions, you'd better leave 'em here! Might as well, because I'm in quarantine until further notice.

Unless I get the munchies; then I'm sneaking outta here when Yujin and Chishiya aren't looking...

[Sorry, was that supposed to not be sent?]

I've got a handy dandy mandatory questionnaire for you to fill out! We've never done these before, so it'll be nice to see how it contributes to the comradery and engagement of our super awesome team of regret-fueled heroes! Or, uh, anti-heroes. Or villains. I'm not gonna psychologically evaluate alla' you, because none of my 6 PhD's fall under that umbrella. What I can say with complete certainty is a disproportionate amount of adults on this station are atypically hot, which is a crime against me.

[ACHOO-]

Name:
Date of Birth:
Current Mood:
Movie of choice:
Signature dance move:
Most questionable food you enjoy:

( click for more ridiculous questionnaire shit )

[Ah, yes, it's the half-dragon birthday boy!

He wastes no time in playing out the likely anticipated song of celebration.

Watch on YouTube

This lute is getting some mileage.

It ends on a smug, contented:]

Haaaappy biiiirthday to meeeee!

That's the second birthday in a row that we're stuck on a mission. Man. But at least this birthday wasn't me stuck on a western-themed planet where we literally ran out of food to eat. That was a real freakin' bummer. [... well, it was the worst part until the townspeople turned into ash, but we don't talk about our traumas, new bloods] You guys better tell me happy birthday by the end of the day, or I'll cast a spell on you.

.... Mmmmnah, that would be too easy.

I'll just follow you around playing nothing but the happy birthday theme.


But the point of this wasn't just to shout at the rooftops that I'm 37-years-old! I spoke with the barkeep, Fribbington? What a queen, guys; I'm so jealous of her beard. Do you know how hard it is for me to get one of those? It's borderline impossible.

Ah — Right. Like, I spoke with her, and she really does not like Jun Shortaxe. Something about being sure you and him are on the same side, because it's not always that clear. But she had a lot of good things to say about Dweyre — that he was smart as a tack, helped a lot of people while in their party, best in his group at the Knights of the Seven Sisters... that after he died, nothing was ever really the same for them. I wish I could say anything else about the conversation jumped out at me... but...

Oh!

She mentioned the heirloom was some kind of scepter.

Round and royal-like, passed down through the kings. So valuable to King Zaros that he was willing to send parties after it and into deadly situations. Apparently this kind of gig, it would have set up Fribbington and the Brigade for the rest of their days as adventurers.

Unfortunately, things went really sideways. You know.

But uh! Yeah, that's all I got. I gotta admit, I've never been very good at finding the little details when it comes to things like this — maybe that's the ADHD talking. Either way, I'm almost done with the Ballard of Dweyre, so make sure you stop by the tavern and give a listen.

... Also, like. Cake. I want cake this birthday.

Someone around here has to have cake.

And I've also got an important questionnaire for everyone, by the way; no rush to finish it, it's just a little something to pass the time. Especially you new people. New people are required to fill this out.

[Anyone who knows him knows he's full of shit. But the text file comes through:]


NAME:
DATE OF BIRTH:
FAVORITE MOVIES:
FAVORITE FOODS:
FAVORITE MUSIC:

What’s your claim to fame?

How do you like to spend your free time?

What skill would you like to master? 

What is your proudest accomplishment? 

What is your biggest pet peeve?

What is the most useless talent you have? 

If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

Are you a cat or a dog person?

Do you sing in the shower?

If you only had 5 minutes in a grocery store, what would you buy?

Which body part do you wish you could detach and why?

If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

If police arrested you with no explanation, what would your friends assume you had done?

Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

... For the record, I'm claiming this infirmary bed officially. Like, I'm gonna put my name on it.

'Reserved: Newton Geiszler'. I'm gonna live in it. I'm gonna visit it for vacations.

[Okay, yes, Newton is slumped in an infirmary bed, propped up by pillows and looking a little guilty.]

So, like. I think a lot of us were under the influence of... whatever the fuck that orb was up to. Evil little bastard, huh? The whole... 'tormenting us with our own fears' thing? Not a fan. Hated it. Hated how easily it screwed with all of us. The point is, uh — take it from someone who knows what it's like to hurt people against your will: it's not... um. It's not all your fault. If you didn't choose to do it, it wasn't you.

I'm still trying to come to terms with that, so I'm, like... a massive hypocrite. I know I'm a massive hypocrite, so you'd be preaching to the choir if you said any different. But it's true, right? We don't deserve to be manipulated against our will like puppets. It's screwed up to trigger us into things we wouldn't normally do.

These orbs, they're just... I don't know if there are any out there that are actually good.

Freaks me out about where anyone here ends up, dealing with them.

[He sighs.]

Um! Anyway.

I'm kind of stabbed right now. I did it to myself, technically, which is actually nice if you think about it, because that means nobody has to feel bad about being the one who stabbed me. I'll be here moping in this bed for a coupla days, maybe even more than necessary to bless the staff with my handsome face and impeccable manners. Hell, maybe eat some hospital Jell-O and annoy the hell out of my pals that're stuck in here with me... After a nap, 'cause I'm pooped.

[VOICE MESSAGES SENT TO ROSINANTE, LAN WANGJI, AND HERMANN

(... or spoken aloud and in person iiiif they're in the infirmary, too):]

... I'm really fucking sorry. It wasn't me.

I know I use that excuse a lot these days, but I swear, it wasn't.

[Sometimes you just turn to a fellow stab victim and apologize for being the one who caused the stabbing between all of y'all.]

[Newt's felt like shit lately, for reasons we shan't go into.

So instead of addressing his own feelings, he's going to ignore them, bottle them up, and torment both new and old crew alike!]

Eyes over here! Hyup! Welcome, noobies, to the SS Ximilia! Grandest little station in the whole wide endless universe. I'm Newt Geiszler, PhD times six, resident xenobiologist, inventor, and super awesome guitarist of the best band around, Murderface. Pleasure to meet you! Don't touch any of my stuff in the lab, or it'll probably end in me shoving you under the emergency shower.

... That was a joke; I'm not allowed to have things that would put any of you into a chemical shower.

Anyway, just as a head's up, for both the new and old crewmembers? Don't change your regret unless you're seriously ready to give up something in exchange. And I mean it, guys — it can be real nasty. If you wanna talk about it, I've finally figured out my loss from changing my regret, so.

... Less serious topic: time for your resident welcome wagon. A.K.A. my handy write-up of our crew for the new bloods. Read through very, very carefully. this is all critical information!

[ATTACHED TXT.:// MEET THE CREW]

( LOTS OF TEXT )